A Perrverse Confidante

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 15, 2002

Dad passed away years ago and Mom lives alone. She is still young and healthy, yet she always plays the victim. I am in my 30s and divorced.

Our relationship has always been based on a maternal dictatorship. Even as an adult daughter I cannot approach my mother because her idea of advice is an order. Since she makes life miserable, I withhold my personal life from her to the point of lying.

I met a wonderful man who lives out of town, and we have been cultivating a terrifically close relationship. Mom met him once, but only to the point of saying hello. Because I find sneaking around emotionally draining, I phoned Mom and confessed.

The reaction to this news was exactly as expected. Mom called me a tramp, a useless stupid person, and a terrible daughter not worthy of living. She suggested I get an operation on my eyes so I could see this man as the bum that he is.

Neither my friends nor I see what she is implying. He is well-versed, well- educated, with a great job and strong morals. Mom said if I continue with this man she is writing me out of her will. Our conversation ended with her hanging up after telling me to have a nice life.

Because I know deep down she means well, I am torn by her reaction. I feel guilty for hurting her, yet I am hesitant to put my life on hold because she does not approve of a man based on a 30 second conversation. Why do I feel like I am a terrible daughter? Her reaction puts a damper on an extremely exciting and happy time in my life. I am faced with a choice between two people I love dearly. Am I being selfish?

Irene

Irene, you feel like a terrible daughter because your mother trained you to feel that way. Your news didn't hurt her. She lashed out because she doesn't want you to have an independent life.

This man must make an excellent first impression because in 30 seconds your mother realized he would never tolerate her abuse. She also recognized he would never allow a woman he loved to be treated the way your mother treats you.

Everyone with a satisfying life makes one important discovery. There is a direction and flow to life, and that direction is toward growth, realization, and fulfillment. Without those things it is not possible to be happy.

In the Greek myth of the Procrustean bed, people too short were painfully stretched until they fit the bed, while those too long had excess parts cut off. Your mother wants you to lie on her Procrustean bed. It's time to ask yourself, What is the true nature of maternal love?

Wayne & Tamara

Out Of Tune

I was married for 19 years before my recent divorce. I met a lovely man, a really lovely person. We dated twice, but unfortunately there is no chemistry there for me. I don't feel sexually attracted to him, so there is no reason to continue seeing him.

Since I am so new to the dating world, I am out of practice in kindly discontinuing seeing someone. Can you suggest the kindest way to say goodbye that will minimize hurting this lovely man's feelings?

Daryn

Daryn, not every piece of music moves every person. Not everyone likes Shakespeare, and we don't all have the same favorite color. This man may have a beautiful melody, but it is for someone else's ears.

Be sweet, nice and complimentary to his personality, but be absolutely sure to let him know the relationship is not going to go where he wants. Don't go anywhere near "let's be friends." He will feel you are leaving an opening for him eventually. That's cruel. Clear is less hurtful than nice, for both parties.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Media Underload! The Stress Reducing Psych-Diet

The war, taxes, the economy, increased health problems, crime on the rise, overwhelming divorce rate, corruption in corporate America, and, oh yes, Janet at the Super Bowl!... Read More

The Amazing Secret To Ridding Yourself Of Self Consciousness

One of the biggest challenges to developing superior communication skills is that you already have your hands full in those situations where you need help. Take a... Read More

Do you know WHAT MAKES ME MAD?? It makes me SO MAD I just want to...

Sound familiar? If you want to manage anger, the only way of doing so is to listen to your self-talk. This doesn't mean listening to yourself talk.... Read More

Discover The Coach Within You

One of the three basic roles of leadership is the coach or mentor. The best boss is often the best coach. (See: http://tlc-leadership.com/the_three_faces_of_leadership). In sports the coach... Read More

Live Healthy - Six Steps To A Healthy Life

Six steps we can take to reduce our risks for heart disease There are certain steps that we can take to reduce our risks of ever getting... Read More

Theres Gold in that Silence

Can you recall a time where you utilized silence to make a point? If you can consciously recall, you probably know your silence made more than just... Read More

Why a Coach is NOT a Consultant

Often while talking to people about my coaching practice I get asked what the difference is between a coach and a consultant. Many people believe they are... Read More

Whats Up With All These Coaches?

If you are anything like me, you may have noticed a tremendous increase in the number of coaches that have appeared recently. Traditionally, coaches existed primarily in... Read More

7 Effective Ways To Boost Your Self Esteem

1. Get a life purpose statement.A well thought out life purpose statement is a powerful way to boost your self-esteem. It will define who you truly are,... Read More

Magic Potions We All Need This Time of Year

As winter descends we begin to feel the chill of shorter days and less sunlight. For many of us, less hours of light combined with colder temperatures... Read More

Make Your Life Easier?

'Have you read the Art of War?' someone asked me once. Fighting someone to get your way is definitely a valid strategy. But you don't need me... Read More

Transitions: Moving Through Change With Grace

MOVING THROUGH CHANGECreating any major change in our lives can also create feelings of discomfort. Tiredness, confusion, and uncertainty are among the many emotions that can be... Read More

Eureka! I?ve Found It!

OK, so it wasn't quite that big of a deal. But I did find the "T" that mysteriously escaped from the word "not" in one of my... Read More

Do You Really Need A Home Business Mentor?

Having a mentor can mean the difference between success and failure if you want to have a successful Internet home business.Many of you have dreamed of owning... Read More

Difficult Challenges? -- What If?

Sometimes life can seem like one long series of unsolvable problems. I know there have been times when I would much rather find something else to do... Read More

How to Turn Around A Sinking Conversation - 7 Tips

When a conversation is not working out there is the potential for massive frustration or a breakthrough depending on how you look at it.1. Question your assumptions... Read More

Boost Your Self-Esteem

What Is Self-Esteem?Self-esteem literally means to esteem, or respect, yourself. Having high self-esteem means that you have a positive image of yourself. Let's look at where such... Read More

Corporate Coaching and Employees: One Step Ahead

"Don't shoot... We're on the same side."Contrary to popular belief, a corporate coaching session with your employees is not the beginning of the change process. Our studies... Read More

The Right Coach

Who is the Best Coach For Achieving Your Goals?A friend of mine was recently at a Mark Victor Hansen and Robert Allen workshop. They were promoting their... Read More

Your Silent Voice of Experience

"I can't wait!" she exclaimed over the phone. The anticipation in her voice was evident as we scheduled a time to meet and discuss her new fund... Read More

Being an Emotional Victim

None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term "victim" brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is powerless. Therefore, It... Read More

Living On Purpose

The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose. Those individuals who live their lives 'on purpose' are not prone to wondering what the meaning... Read More

Mid Life Crisis, Life Transitions, & Ontological Coaching

Recently I have been watching a TV show called Blowout. It is a reality show about a hair designer, Jonathan Antin who struggles to get his Beverly... Read More

Is Your Life In Motion?

Ever since the Internet bubble and the 9/11 terrorist attacks, I've seen many people; including friends and family lose their jobs and/or personal fortunes overnight. The struggling... Read More

Can Versus Cant

It is my personal opinion that there are two words that are the driving force behind your personally achieving your ultimate outcome and your WHY in Life.... Read More

Help! I Need to Make a Decision!

Many people who come to my office say they have a difficult time making decisions. I have developed a process to help my clients master this skill.... Read More