Addiction to Blame

Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn't stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a bad day at work. He blamed her for asking him questions when he didn't know the answer. He would sometimes even blame her if his golf game was off. He always blamed her when he felt judged by her, or when he didn't get her approval. While he freely admitted that he blamed her, he couldn't seem to stop, and he had no idea why he blamed her.

As I explored various situations with Allen, it became apparent that he was not just blaming his wife. Allen was constantly blaming and judging himself. He would verbally beat himself up for mistakes, telling himself things like, "I'm such a jerk," and would often say very negative things to himself, such as, "Things will never get any better," or "I'm just a loser," or "I'm a big disappointment to myself." He would then feel angry and agitated as a result of abusing himself, but he never connected his anger with his self-judgment. Instead, he would dump his anger on his wife, or yell at other drivers on the freeway.

It became apparent to Allen that he would not be able to stop blaming his wife until he stopped blaming and judging himself. His addiction to blaming others was a direct result of his self-abuse.

The problem was that Allen had learned to be very self-indulgent regarding his thoughts. He let his thoughts run rampant, never stopping to discern whether or not what he was telling himself was the truth or was a lie. As a result, he was constantly allowing the wounded part of himself, his ego self, to be in charge. And this part of him was filled with all the lies he had learned in the 46 years of his life.

Allen was appalled when he realized that all his anger at others was really his anger at himself for abusing himself. He was projecting onto others what he was doing to himself. He saw that he was especially sensitive to others' judgment because he was so judgmental of himself.

As we explored why Allen was so self-abusive, he realized that he believed that if he judged himself enough, he could have control over getting himself to do it "right." He realized this wasn't true by an experience he had playing tennis.

"I played last Wednesday and I was in a really good mood. I was just playing for the fun of it, rather than to play well, and I played my best game ever! The very next day I played worse than I have for a long time. I realized that, having done so well on Wednesday, I now wanted control over doing as well on Thursday. As soon as I tried to control it, I lost it.

I want to stop doing this, but I've been doing it my while life. How do I stop?"

Stopping any addiction is always a challenge. Changing our thought process is especially challenging. However, there is a process available, but it will work only when you really want to change. Changing from being self-abusive to self-loving has to become more important to you than continuing to try to control yourself through your self-judgments.

1. Pay attention to your feelings. Learn to be aware of when you are feeling angry, anxious, hurt, scared, guilty, shamed, depressed, and so on.

2. Make a conscious decision to learn about what you are telling yourself that is causing your pain, rather than ignoring it, turning to substance or process addictions, or continuing to abuse yourself.

3. Ask yourself, "What am I telling myself that is causing me to feel badly?" Once you are aware of what you are telling yourself, ask yourself, "Am I certain that what I'm telling myself is the truth, or is it just something I've made up?" Then ask yourself, "What am I trying to control by telling myself this?"

4. Once you are aware that you are telling yourself a lie that is causing you to feel badly, and why you are telling it to yourself, ask the highest, wisest part of yourself, or ask an inner teacher or a spiritual source of guidance, "What is the truth?" When you sincerely want to know the truth, it will easily come to you.

5. Change your thinking, now telling yourself the truth.

6. Notice how you feel. Lies will always make you feel badly, while the truth brings inner peace. Any time you are not in peace, go through this process to discover what lie you are telling yourself. Eventually, with enough practice, you will be in truth and peace more and more of the time.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

---

Is Your Attitude Destroying Your Health?

A positive attitude may bring good health and success. If you have ever read any book about success you will discover how an optimistic attitude will keep... Read More

Priorities: Are You Living Yours?

In the Charles Dickens classic, "The Christmas Story", Scrooge is given the opportunity to examine his life and his priorities before it is too late. Upon being... Read More

Automatic Brain Works Overtime For You

Use all of your brain to be your most effective."Running on Automatic" is what I call the ability to visualize what you need to have happen. Automatic... Read More

What is Life Coaching?

An recent article in Money Magazine said that "A coach may be the guardian angel you need to rev up your career." In fact, if you pick... Read More

What Are Your Priorities?

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want." -Ben SteinAt the end of every winter... Read More

The Joy of Learning!

"Part of what motivates me to write this book is a concern that we've lost touch in education with the sheer joy of what it means to... Read More

Greasing the Path to Success: Finding the Confidence to Step Up to Key Moments

Whether it's making a prospecting call to a promising business contact, giving an informal "elevator speech" to a networking group, or attempting to close a transaction, there... Read More

101 Winning Choices

Personal missions statements (PMS) are just nothing but the winning choices. Our mind can program us in such a way that success ratio in personal, social &... Read More

Coaching for Success

Coaching is perhaps the most effective method of increasing performance available to managers, team leaders, and colleagues. This article defines coaching and outlines a process for effective... Read More

Happiness and Work: Your Life Depends On It.

Early one morning, Robert awoke, made his wife of 41 years some banana bread, took out the garbage and called to cancel a doctors appointment scheduled for... Read More

Searching For Your Calling ? Quest or Curse?

Judging by the extraordinarily positive reader response to Po Bronson's What Should I Do With My Life?, people are aching for a sympathetic outlook on their stories... Read More

How to Get a Grip on Your Money

Most people have no idea where their money goes. They earn it and they spend it.That's fine if you want to live from week to week and... Read More

How to Choose the Right Coach for You

So you want to hire a coach but with so many choices it's easy to feel overwhelmed. How do you find the coach that is right for... Read More

Empowering Vision

Playing Our Part:Sir Michael Costa was conducting a rehearsal, in which the orchestra was joined in a great chorus. About half way through the session, with the... Read More

Encourage Personality Testing

I was asked the other day : "Kate, is personality testing novelty, frivolity, or common sense?"The answer is: It depends on whether or not you utilize them... Read More

How to Kill Fear When Dealing with Aggressive People

The book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers is regarded as a self help classic. Have you read it?I read it many years... Read More

Build Your People Skills

How would you like to get along even better with others in your personal relationships and in the workplace? Getting along well with people sounds kind of... Read More

Being an Emotional Victim

None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term "victim" brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is powerless. Therefore, It... Read More

Magic Potions We All Need This Time of Year

As winter descends we begin to feel the chill of shorter days and less sunlight. For many of us, less hours of light combined with colder temperatures... Read More

Creating Supportive Environments

I'm writing this on my laptop in a Cosi café in Dupont Circle in Washington, D.C. The reason I am here has nothing to do with me... Read More

Poise, Posture, and Performance

Good posture is seen to have many advantages. From an aesthetic point of view it can enhance image, sending out the right signals (body language). For an... Read More

Throw a No-Heat Party for the Planet

Is it really possible to have loads of fun, and help the planet at the same time? I remember the first No-heat party I went to. It... Read More

The Self Development Tool Box

Do you have a self-development toolbox? Do you have a standard set of instruments or mechanisms that you use to delve into your inner self? Just asking... Read More

Burn-Out ...Whats Next?

If you feel the heat of burn-out, it is possible to stop the fire before it stops you. Burn-out burns out confidence trust hope Burn-out can... Read More

Freedom for All; Is it Possible?

Freedom for all species and people, and freedom of stress; is it possible? Could the Internet be a tool to getting there?Freedom, what is it? I am... Read More

Tripping On Mindfulness

One of the ironies of mindfulness is that it's still possible to be forgetful, klutzy, or even distracted while doing our best to pay attention.Why? We are... Read More