Gay, Single, & Loving It!

Introduction We live in a society that places high value and expectation on being in a coupled relationship and singles are often stigmatized for their single-status. Gay men, in particular, are often labeled as being unable to develop and maintain long-lasting intimate relationships, adding yet another layer to this stigma. This can lead to feelings of low self-worth and inferiority, a sense that there's something wrong with you if you don't have a boyfriend, an excessive focus and preoccupation with your discontent with being single, and sometimes a compulsive drive to find a relationship just to satisfy that nagging need (which can be a dangerous and sabotaging maneuver if one's dating practices are conducted out of desperation rather than conscious intention).

For those who have not chosen singlehood as a lifestyle and do long to be in a relationship, this can be a painfully difficult experience. Special occasions, holidays, weddings, times of loneliness, and just witnessing other couples can be very triggering events for singles that serve to magnify their restlessness and unfulfillment with being solo. What these types of single gay men need most is a reassurance and recognition that this phase of life can be one of the most enjoyable and transformational times of their lives if they choose it to be. This article will validate the positive values of being single and will offer some suggestions for making the most of your single life.

The Benefits of Being Single Singlehood is the time in your life where you have the greatest degree of flexibility and freedom to do whatever you want. You can be more spontaneous, independent, selfish, and adventurous because there can be less commitments and more time to pursue the things you want to do; you can make your life into anything that you want it to be as you're completely in "the driver's seat." You have the ability to enter in and out of situations with relative ease and to meet a variety of new people. You are responsible only for yourself and can make choices and major decisions without having to take another into account or to have to answer to anyone. You don't have to deal with another's annoying habits or nuances and don't have to compromise. Other aspects of your identity (career, family, friends, etc.) can have more emphasis as there's less competition for your focus and attentions.

More importantly, though, being single puts you in the ideal position for cultivating yourself to reach your fullest potential as an individual. It's an opportunity for self-exploration and investing in your own personal growth and development. It's also an ideal time to learn what's needed to be fully prepared for love when you find it, to experiment safely with your sexuality, and to explore different types of relationships. It's fertile ground for learning about who you are and what your needs are. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. says it best in his book "Keeping the Love You Find":"Singleness would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, to learn responsibility and self-sufficiency, to identify our true desires, and to confront our inner strengths and demons, a time to make changes in the things that stymie our pleasure and progress in life, to learn how to connect and communicate on alllevels. It would be sorely needed relationship training." (1)

Action Steps for Navigating Your Single Life The following are some practical tips and suggestions for managing your singlehood to promote a positive acceptance and enjoyment of this special time in your life.

1. Create a checklist of the opportunities that being single affords you and start living them!

2. Start a journal about your single-status and what it means to you. Answer the following questions:

? Why am I single? How do I feel about that?

? What do I want from being single?

? What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors hold me back from being able to embrace this time of my life?

? How do I contribute to my own unfulfillment with being single? How do I sabotage myself?

Don't deny your feelings or ignore your desire for a relationship. Process these feelings in your journal and write about ways you can create more meaning and purpose in your life.

3. Identify the biggest challenges you face with being single and develop goals to defeat them.

4. Develop affirmation cards. Grab some index cards and write positive thoughts, motivational statements, advantages and opportunities of being single, and self-improvement goals onto the cards. Read them to yourself daily to begin internalizing the messages. Alternatively, stick the cards in a jar and during times of loneliness or depressive funks, refer to the cards for a quick pick-me-up.

5. Identify things you've always been meaning to do or try but never made the time to pursue or learn. Take action.

6. Build your support system, join a class, volunteer for a cause that's meaningful to you, commit yourself to health and wellness.Be active. Live your life to the max! Make it count!

Conclusion As you can see, being single provides you with many opportunities for self-growth, fun, and preparing yourself for your life partner when you eventually meet him. Take advantage of this crucial time in your life to accomplish your life goals, improve your self-esteem, work through any internalized homophobia you may be struggling with, and build your interpersonal skills. It's important to avoid glamorizing relationships because "the grass is not always greener on the other side" and to realize that having a boyfriend does not take away problems that you may already have in your life. Appreciate this time of your life and don't measure your happiness or worth as a person on your relationship status.

The Law of Attraction states that we attract situations, people, and experiences in our lives that reflect who we are and what we focus on. Negativity about being single will only mirror, magnify, and attract more negativity. Counter this by taking charge of your single life and crafting it into being the most meaningful and fulfilling time of your life with its alignment to your life vision and purpose. Cheers to your becoming a successful single!

(1) Hendrix, H. (1992). Keeping the Love You Find. New York: Pocket Books/Simon & Schuster, Inc.

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com. Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Thank you!

Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach, in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources, and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion" published in May 2005.

---

The Deal Breakers

Deal Breakers. Everyone's got them. You know: the instant turn-offs that can turn a romantic dinner for two into an immediate request for the check. Whether we... Read More

10 Important, Easy Dating Rules to Ensure Your Success

1) Leave the mobile phone off! Do not answer it if it is on Silent either. You should only do this if you are expecting an emergency... Read More

Cut Cupid Some Slack

Valentine's Day!What a great idea to set aside a day for remembering those we love. It's even more than just remembering; it's romancing.But it is also a... Read More

Dating Options for Christian Singles

As a Christian, you understand that to visit bars, nightclubs, and many other worldly establishments is not the way for you to meet your mate. The people... Read More

Are You Considering Online Dating?

Jody's quest in finding a suitable partner for marriage seemed impossible. She found the singles scene at clubs to be uncomfortable and her social circle seemed to... Read More

How to Find the Background of Your Online Date

The popularity of online dating has increased dramatically over the past few years. While most online daters are honest and straightforward, some seriously misrepresent themselves. Here are... Read More

Dating Tips: Work on The Similarities

What is it that makes you attracted to someone? The look? The character? The way he or she makes you laugh? Well, that's a few possibilities. Now... Read More

Faster, Cheaper, Better ­ P2P Online Dating Software

There is one thing we all know for certain when it comes to the internet. That is that each year someone will come up with a way... Read More

The Perfect Person

"When you truly look for me, You will find me." KabirWe all want love. Then, when we get it, we become afraid and start to run in... Read More

He Was Either The Most Romantic Man In The World - Or A Complete Idiot

Heather had been dating Ben for a little over two months. She quite enjoyed his company but was beginning to realize he was not the man for... Read More

It Pays For Single Christians To Date Other Like-Minded People

Searching for the perfect mate can be one of life's greatest challenges.Afterall, forever is a long time. You want to make the right decision.Dating itself can be... Read More

Body Language

Next to your internal mindset (which should be relaxed, confident, and sexual), body language is the most important aspect when it comes to dating women.Why? Because an... Read More

Dating Tips from Hollywood

Halle Berry voted as one of the most beautiful women in the world is twice divorced, Britney Spears ? today's pop princess is under thirty and on... Read More

The Right Dating Strategy

So, you have decided to do it. Get out there to the cyber space and try you luck. I mean, many people do it and talk about... Read More

Online Dating

Dating has become easier for everyone due to the emergence and success of online dating websites. You can choose the site that suits you best, look for... Read More

Online Dating - Top Tips for Success!

A few months ago I became single again after a long-term relationship, and decided to try out the phenomenon taking the world by storm that is online... Read More

Dating After Fifty

Dating at an older age is not too hard. And it can be a lot of fun especially with internet dating. And, today to find a date... Read More

10 Fast Ways to Re-Igniting Romance

Research shows that people who put each other down and are hostile to each other are more likely to have serious problems . We tend to feel... Read More

Funnel Your Way to Love

I call it "The Funnel." And it's the best way to view your online dating experience. A numbers game it is, and your job is to funnel... Read More

Dating Mistakes

Dating mistakes can kill a dating relationship. Do you know what dating mistakes you have made? Do dating mistakes hold your relationship back? And, do mistakes like... Read More

You Dont Have To Be A Genius To Write A Love Poem

Love poems are a wonderfully romantic gesture and can often express your thoughts far more eloquently than verbal communication.If you have some talent with words, why not... Read More

A Single Mans Astrological Guide to Single Women

ARIES (March 21 - April 19) - She's aggressive with men, dynamic, hot-tempered, and very bossy. You must be very strong-willed with this woman and don't let... Read More

Immigration and Clear Thinking

I get a lot of "reader comments" on the issues I choose to write about. This is a good thing for my editors since this means more... Read More

Dating Service Tools for Individuals Seeking Singles Online for Fun, Friendship and Marriage

If you're wondering what it means by dating service and dating tools available, read further to understand how you can utilize the individual dating sites features and... Read More

Dating Personals! Find Out How To Write A Knockout Personal Ad

If you're about to leap into dating personals and don't know how to begin to write that knockout dating personal ad, then read further on for some... Read More

Attract the Love of Your Life

Have you heard about the technique Olympic athletes use to help them win gold medals?In addition to conventional practice, they do some critical mental work as well.... Read More