Adapting to the Loss of a Loved One: Three Tips on how to Cope

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren't the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don't feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life¹. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who's little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.

Another thing, you usually don't ever "get over it." Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it's easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren't going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn't easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it's going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

¹Wordern, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A guidebook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing

Hello, I'm Wendy Bridger. Thanks for reading my article. Surely you have more unanswered questions, or want to know more about me. Here's how I can help. Go to http://www.stratateam.com/news/anmviewe r.asp?a=87&z=2 and simply ask me your personal question related to the article, and I will respond to you privately.

---

Physiological Consequences of Carrying Emotional Trauma

Although many of us carry some form of emotional trauma in our bodies, and therefore in our energy fields, do we ever really stop to question the... Read More

Suicide in the Church, Part 3

Suicide strikes...AGAIN!This may wind up being the most important article some have ever read. I hope it will not only help a few readers, but that it... Read More

Made in Heaven

Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend - my Mother.... Read More

The Truth About Emotional Intelligence

There is so much emphasis on emotional intelligence these days that it appears that people are suppressing their emotions and problems in an effort to "fit in,"... Read More

Whats It All About?

For most people life is a fairly ordinary existence - and when I say ordinary I mean a contented, 'far from perfect' way of life. And that's... Read More

Pope John Paul II

WHAT I LEARNED FROM POPE JOHN PAUL II ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I am not a Catholic, but I felt a deep loss when Pope John Paul II took ill and... Read More

How to Deal with Suicide and Euthenasia

The following is a report that indicates how you might recognize suicidals, and how you might deal with them. But a warning: Suicide can be a very... Read More

Online Memorial ? A Dedication of Love for Your Departed Loved Ones

Life has always been a journey, a journey of finding of one true self and happiness. As however destined, all journeys will eventually find its very own... Read More

Dads, Life, and Death

When he looked at me, it was clear my father wasn't sure who I was. And as I looked back at him, I wasn't sure who he... Read More

The Walking Wounded

When my phone rang the other day, it was a call from one of the "walking wounded," not unlike many that I have received during the years... Read More

Afraid Of Dying? Afraid Of Living!

Over the years, I've heard many people voice their concerns of death and dying. It wasn't that they had any maladies that would cause them to die... Read More

Suicide in the Church Part 1

Recently, several suicides have occurred right here in my own hometown of about 16,000 people. The latest of these involved a friend of mine who was, among... Read More

Signs After Suicide: The Red Butterfly

Shortly after noon, I went into Arlyn's bedroom to get a few things to take with me. I was preparing to drive about three miles out into... Read More

Present Moment Awareness: Lessons From My Dog

I've always waited for the perfect moment to be happy: As though time were a flower waiting to bloom. My scruffy puppy-happy senior dog knows better. Watching... Read More

Moving Beyond Grief and Loss

In my work as a coach and therapist, I have seen many clients dealing with losses of all kinds-loss of loved ones through death and divorce, for... Read More

Trial by Fire - 9 Tips for Grieving Couples

You will often hear that grief and loss bring couples together, but it can actually do just the opposite. It is possible to emerge on the other... Read More

How to Deal With A Death in the Family and Still Run Your Small Business

As a small business owner we have to deal with tax law changes, local ordinances, environmental laws, Worker's Compensation, etc. Just when we thought we had everything... Read More

What this Rabbi Learned from Not being Re-hired

It's a familiar story, and I have been through it before, and so have you. In January the Synagogue Personnel Committee told me that they were recommending... Read More

Handicapped From Suicide

I am 23 years old. I come from a large family. I have 2 brothers (6 and 7), and 3 sisters (2months, 17, and 21). We are... Read More

Good Grief!

If tears are an indication of how special my relationship with my mother was, I cry with pride! I've come to see grief as pain with a... Read More

Online Monument ? An Ever-lasting Tribute to Your Departed Loved Ones

Memories are never to be buried along with the loss of our very loved ones. To be forever remembered as someone whom we always love, they always... Read More

Traumas as Social Interactions

("He" in this text - to mean "He" or "She").We react to serious mishaps, life altering setbacks, disasters, abuse, and death by going through the phases of... Read More

Death Poem

During the two years of my husband's terminal illness, death was never far from my mind. We had been told he was dying and even a time... Read More

Angelo Dies

Angelo C, was a good man that never did any harm. He died yesterday in the shower over a severe asthma attack. The entire school cried and... Read More

Dying On the Inside: A Childs Grief

The impatient tooting of a car horn startled us into awareness. No one had thought beyond making it through the grievous night. Now the sun was up,... Read More

Why Dont We Talk About Anticipatory Grief?

I know anticipatory grief - a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurs - far too well. My mother suffered from probable Alzheimer's disease... Read More