Are We All Losers? Understanding Grief

The well-known pioneer researcher Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five states through which the dying patient goes. It is also true that the recently bereaved and the about to be bereaved evidence the same stages. Kubler Ross has labeled the 5 stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. People do not necessarily go through these stages in any set order or over a set length of time, nor does the individual necessarily pass through each of the stages. Most controversial is the final stage of acceptance. Kubler-Ross believes that all of us come to accept death as it approached, but other researchers do not agree. Westberg, for example believe, as do the writer, that we come to a point of living with the loss. Let's now review the 10 stages of grief as defined by Westberg. If you have or can access his tiny book entitled, Good Grief, it would help you to understand each stage in more depth than the writer will go.

10 Stages of Grief According to Granger Westberg (Good Grief):

1) shock ? numbness, denial, disbelief
2) emotional releases ? tears, cursing
3) physical manifestations ? loss of sleep, eating
4) depression, panic ?how do I go on, detachment
5) guilt ? if only
6) anger ? god, self, deceased, blame
7) idealism ? halo effect, past was perfect
8) realization ? past not perfect, maybe a future
9) new patterns ? begin again, let go of past images
10) living with the loss ? live, love. Laugh again, adjusting

Another valuable resource is Catherine Sanders book, The Mourning After. Taking an integrative approach, she identifies 5 primary phases of the grief process:

5 Phases of the Grief Process According to Catherine Sanders (The Mourning After)

1) shock ? disbelief and denial, confusion, restlessness, state of alarm

2) awareness of loss ? separation anxiety, conflicts, prolonged stress, acting out emotional expectations

3) conservation/withdrawal ? despair, withdrawal, diminished social support, helplessness

4) healing ? turning point, assuming control, identity restructuring, relinquishing roles

5) renewal ? new self-awareness, new sense of freedom, accepting responsibility, learning to live without

In summary, it should be understood that the numbness and sense of unreality when first hearing about the death of a loved one is both a gift and an adaptive response which prepares one to deal with the loss. Statements expressing this surreal phase includes: "I don't believe it," or "It can't be."

It is common to lose a loved one and feel angry about the death and consequences. Since anger needs a target, it is frequently directed at the self, doctor, nurse, funeral director, clergy person, family member, friend or God. Since anger is a choice, it is important for the bereaved to recognize and acknowledge the fact that they are angry.

It is said that actress Elizabeth Taylor, speaking about the death of her husband, Michael Todd, and her subsequent depression, stated: "I didn't think I would survive and I didn't much care. To this day my feelings about him are so strong that I cannot speak about him without being overcome with emotion." For the majority of people in grief, feelings of emptiness and sadness generate feelings of depression.

"My husband died after a long illness. Several times I lost my temper and said some cruel things to him, but when I realized he couldn't get well, I took loving care of him until God called him home. Now I regret all the wrong things I did." Like many who have experienced a loss, this woman is tortured by regrets. While feelings of guilt are quite normal, they are usually not very realistic.

Sometimes anxiety and frustration are connected to the fear of being alone and without a loved one. There may be concern about the future and fear about losing someone else to death. There is no timetable for grief. No one need feel ashamed while getting over a traumatic loss. It is a long complex business. it is the process of grief.

The day will come when grief softens and even dissipates. Usually the recovery is so gradual that the bereaved is not even aware that healing is, in fact, taking place.

Rev. Saundra L. Washington, is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries http://www.clergyservices4u.org. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Water: A Grief Healing Workbook, will be available soon.

---

Then and Now

Over one hundred years ago, during the Victorian era, death and grief were popular subjects for poems, songs and stories. Grieving was considered a natural and acceptable... Read More

A Critical Assessment of Euthanasia

The question of whether, say, a man should have the right to take away his life granted pain and suffering have overcome him is a very important... Read More

The Creative Side of Healing

One of the areas where I seem to be placing most of my focus these days is the relationship between creative expression and healing. Something that I... Read More

Dealing With Grief and Loss - How to Mend a Broken Heart

What is it about Grief & Loss that upsets us so much? Is it the heavy duty emoting that we have to do to get through our... Read More

Miracles?

If we were to organize a list of the thorniest problems for the bereaved, certainly somewhere near the top would be the question of miracles. Everybody has... Read More

Are We All Losers? Understanding Grief

The well-known pioneer researcher Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five states through which the dying patient goes. It is also true that the recently bereaved and the about... Read More

An Unexpected Letter

It was a couple of weeks after Christmas, and I was standing by my mailbox in the vestibule of the apartment building where I lived in Lexington,... Read More

Present Moment Awareness: Lessons From My Dog

I've always waited for the perfect moment to be happy: As though time were a flower waiting to bloom. My scruffy puppy-happy senior dog knows better. Watching... Read More

Whens Sarah Coming Home? Helping Your Child Understand Death

For most children, their first experience with grief comes with the death of a beloved family pet. When Zoe the eight-week old puppy dies of parvovirus or... Read More

Terminal Illness- Death and Grief

No one likes to think about illness and death, when we are well, we feel invincible and there is nothing that can prepare us for the shock... Read More

The Look of Grief

Never, since man has walked upright, have people all over the globe had more educational advantages or more opportunities to practice advanced social and interpersonal skills. And... Read More

Dads, Life, and Death

When he looked at me, it was clear my father wasn't sure who I was. And as I looked back at him, I wasn't sure who he... Read More

Grief Support: The Dos

Helpers often ask questions such as: "What should I do? What should I say? Am I doing the right thing? Did I do the wrong thing?" Here... Read More

Graceful Grief: Angelic Help is on the Way!

I believe that major change and loss in our lives is a door to grow ourselves, to become more loving, compassionate and accepting towards others and ourselves.... Read More

We are the Reflection of our Lives: How to Survive Loss & Humility

Everyday, I look in the mirror to see the face staring back at me. Sometimes it is lined with stress, sorrow and grief. Other times, it simply... Read More

Cultivate a Friendship with Death

Why We Fear Death"Men fear death as children fear to go in the dark." - BaconThere may be a thousand reasons why we fear death, but most... Read More

Guilty, Your Honor: The Burden of Guilt After a Suicide

Guilty, Your Honor, I whisper.Have you ever done anything so horrible that you would prefer to hide in a dark closet for the rest of your life... Read More

Silent Tears - from a Norwegian Hospital

Silent tears hit hospital-white sheets. The young Pakistani mother holds the mask that brings moisture, oxygen and medicine to her babygirls lungs as she struggles against the... Read More

What this Rabbi Learned from Not being Re-hired

It's a familiar story, and I have been through it before, and so have you. In January the Synagogue Personnel Committee told me that they were recommending... Read More

Dying? Not Me! Why You Should Plan for Transition

Remember the Eulogy projects we had to write back in High School? Death is a tough subject to broach, and many would rather deny death then embrace... Read More

Signs After Suicide: The Red Butterfly

Shortly after noon, I went into Arlyn's bedroom to get a few things to take with me. I was preparing to drive about three miles out into... Read More

How My Four Your Old Son Reacted To The Death Of His Great Nanny Biscuits

My nan was called Margaret and lived until the age of eighty eight. Unfortunately she died in hospital and this article describes how my son reacted to... Read More

GoodBye GrandMa

My dearest Grandma, I will never forget you & sorry that I was not there with you when you passed.Grandma...I can't believe The last kiss, The last... Read More

How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is the name given to the mix of emotions experienced when we are living in expectation of loss and grieving because of it. Anticipatory Grief... Read More

How to Deal with Suicide and Euthenasia

The following is a report that indicates how you might recognize suicidals, and how you might deal with them. But a warning: Suicide can be a very... Read More

How Can I Transform Tragedy?

There is only one place where tragedy occurs, and that is in the mind. Tragedy may appear to you on the physical level, however, it is the... Read More