Reframing with NLP For Enhanced Happiness

I used to work for the Independent National Newspaper in Canary Wharf, London. I can remember in the build up to Christmas, my department was having a large & expensive new computer system installed because the newspaper was being relaunched, it was when Andrew Marr and Rosie Boycott were becoming joint editors, I digress?. The system was being put in just before Christmas, but it was a massive task, with numerous issues & overruns. As Christmas approached, there were still a number of teething problems, which led to stretched relations between the system supplier & the newspaper staff.

At one meeting about the integration of the system, my director had been trying to get more time investment from the installation company, only to be told that their people weren't going to be available on Christmas day. My director was frustrated and furious, asking "What are you doing that's more important than sorting out our system!?" Without hesitating, the guy from the installation company said "Delivering Christmas hampers to the elderly." The impact was immediate; everyone in the room started laughing & my director joined them, realising that he'd perhaps been a bit unreasonable. Everyone knew that the story about the elderly wasn't true, but that didn't matter ? the statement had changed his perception of the situation, instantly, & he started behaving more reasonably.

Changing the contextual frame:

There was an advertisement for the Guardian newspaper, which showed a set of still photographs arranged in a particular action sequence. The photographs showed a large framed man with very little hair on his head, wearing jeans and boots, running along a pathway with a real purpose.

In the first frame he is running towards an elderly lady; in the second frame, you see him knock her violently into the street; in the third frame you see him make his escape, obviously and seemingly this is another thug terrorising the elderly.

Then, when you turn the page, you are presented with some wider angle shots. In the wide-angle shots, you see the elderly lady casually walking beside a building that has building works being carried out upon it and where a cement mixer is about to topple from a scaffold. An alert pedestrian notices the situation and heroically runs towards the lady, pushing her clear of the building area. A moment later, the cement mixer falls to the ground in the spot where the lady was standing. The initially perceived 'thug' has in fact saved her life.

By changing the frame, the creators of the advertisement had changed the context of the man's actions. Suddenly, what was perceived as typically criminal then became valiant and altruistic. His actions were transformed in a moment as they were reframed. I am sure you know of many other examples of this.

One of the presuppositions of NLP and something that fascinates and tests me, is that every behaviour is useful or valuable in some context. Upon learning and reading about this in the embryonic days of my learning, I did do my best to do the opposite! I wracked my brains for things that I just could not reframe. Of course, I could not do so for long. It's just a matter of stretching your brain and finding a context that makes it useful; I have not always found this easy. This process is referred to as context reframing.

Every behaviour is useful in the right context:

Now here is a challenge for you. For any behaviour, no matter how frustrating or apparently without use or value, see if you can find a context where it's useful. Once you find such a context, a subsequent act of presenting the behaviour in the new context is reframing it. If it was originally a behaviour that was treated very seriously or was problematic, you may then also want to think about adding humour or a playfulness in the way it is re-presented;

Firstly, identify a complaint, either about yourself or someone else, a simple structured to begin with, for example; "I'm too [x]." or "She's too [y]." (Eg. "I'm too impatient", "He's too selfish.", "She's too messy.")

Next up, ask yourself "In what contexts would the characteristic being complained about have value and/or usefulness?"

Thirdly, create several answers to this question, and then craft it into a 'reframe'.

For example:

"I'm too impatient"

Example answer: "I bet you're quick-thinking in an emergency."

"She's too messy"

Example answer "She'd be good to have around if we were trying to make our home look like it had been burgled." (I don't like to be too serious!)

"He's too selfish"

Example answer: "We've had so many problems with people not taking care of themselves, it's often good to make sure you look after yourself to be in a better position to help others ."

Now, I know these are a bit lame with some of my own tongue in cheek-iness added, but they don't have to be that useful at this stage; it's more important that you give yourself the freedom to be creative so your brain gets the pattern of what you're doing. What's more, when you have to do that and develop better reframes for yourself, your learning is far more comprehensive than if I were to spoon feed you responses to regurgitate.

The next step is to come up with reframes for any complaints that you (or others) have about yourself. This can be a lot of fun if you do it with someone else. (ie. you say "I'm too [x]" then they generate reframes.)

By the way, the example of "I'm too sexy" as in the 90s Pop Band "Right Said Fred" chart topping hit is not really appropriate ;-)

When reframing something someone says, rapport is important (otherwise reframing can seem like a very focused & deliberate attempt to annoy someone.) If you present someone with a reframe, ensure that you have a good level of rapport with them, best start with friends and/or family (assuming that you have rapport with them!)

Fifth, once you get the hang of it, start looking for opportunities to use context reframing each day, starting with the less challenging ones.

In a business context for example, one of the most powerful ways to use reframing is when people have objections (whether you're selling a product, a service, an idea, or yourself.) reframing is a gentle method of working with someone as opposed to having to sell which many people are uncomfortable with. When you reframe someone's objection, you can remove or alter its power. I once read the objection "I'm worried ? What if I train my staff and then they leave." The response: "Even worse, what if you don't train your people and they stay."

When you discover and create a way to change the context of someone's objection, it alters the way they perceive it. This has been know to be an extremely effective way to overcome objections entirely.

Finally, for these initial steps of reframing, write a list the objections you get most frequently in business or complaints made in your life and generate a number of context reframes for each one. Then, look forward with a sense of anticipation to the next time someone offers that objection. Please bear in mind that you are opening up options here, not covering things up, if a particular problematic issue is occurring, sometimes it may not be appropriate to just reframe.

Both my Grandparents on my fathers side were 80 two years ago and we had celebratory family gatherings. As I walked into one of the celebrations I asked the standard question "So, what's it like waking up on your 80th birthday, Grandad?" To which he replied "Better than not waking up on your 80'th birthday".

Now, I'd like to start playing with 'content reframing.' If a footballer kicks the ball into his team's net, it's called an "own goal", but if a soldier accidentally shoots one of his fellow soldiers, it's called "friendly fire" (Sounds kind of cuddly, doesn't it? But you would not want any coming your way.) George Orwell's 1984 had plenty of examples of content reframing (eg. the ministries of peace & truth) that live on today in many forms (a peacekeeper missile, anyone?)

So, content reframing involves changing the meaning of something.

Right, to develop this further, follow this procedure; identify a complaint a complaint or issue with the structure "I feel [X] when [Y] happens." (Eg. "I feel angry when he does not help" or "I feel frustrated when I make mistakes")

Next, ask yourself "What else could this (Y) mean?", "What else could this (X) mean?" or "What else could this situation mean?", or ask "How can this (X) or (Y) be interpreted?

Then, you can come up with several answers to these, and then create a 'reframe'.

For example: "I feel upset when I see the mess these kids have made"

Example answer: "It's good that they can be 'in the moment' without worrying about a few things being out of place." Alternate example answer: "A little untidiness is a small price to pay for happy children." Another example answer: "The fact that it's messy means they're expressing their creativity."

Obviously, if you were to offer these reframes to someone who is annoyed or frustrated, I would suggest that it would be a good idea to get in rapport with them first and of course to select your words carefully.

As with my previous examples, these aren't the most amazing reframes in the world, but they don't have to be that useful at this stage; it's more important that you give yourself the freedom to be creative so your brain gets the pattern of what you're doing.

Now, you can come up with reframes for any complaints or issues that you can identify for yourself or others. This can be a lot of fun (honestly!) if you take turns doing it with someone else. (ie. you say "I feel [X] when [Y] happens" then they generate reframes.)

Then, once you get the hang of it, start looking for opportunities to use content reframing each day. For spreading good feelings around and helping people to lessen the easy natural way that they can sometimes get "bogged down" in the trivial. Depends on what you consider trivial though, be careful and thoughtful.

Once again, in a business sense, content reframing is also very powerful for dealing with objections of all sorts. For example, a reframe I sometimes use when someone objects to the price of consulting with me (I am sooooo expensive!) is to respond with something along the lines of:

"If you are after a cheap consultant or therapist, then you are right, I am not for you. If however, you want to invest in your future then maybe I am. If your child needed a serious operation, would you look for the cheapest surgeon? Then why look for the cheapest way to make changes in your life that are important enough to seek help with?"

Again, I do have my tongue planted in my cheek as I write that riposte, however, I am sure you see where I am coming from here.

Then finally, list the objections you get most frequently & generate a number of content reframes for each one. Then, look forward with a sense of anticipation to the next time someone offers that objection. Remember to keep rapport with people when doing this! Or in jargon-free speak, relate, empathise, connect, get on with.

Good luck with your reframing and creating more harmony.

Copyright Adam Eason 2005. All rights reserved.

Adam Eason is an author, consultant, trainer and motivational speaker in the fields of hypnosis, NLP, personal development and human potential. His website is filled with information, stimulating articles, resources and uniques products.

Adam's bi-monthly free ezine is packed with modern, innovative psychological tips, techniques and strategies; all those who sign up receive an instantly downloadable, unique hypnosis session to enjoy in the comfort of your own home.

---

May the Budgie of Happiness Sit on Your Head

My grandmother, Mimi, was a great solitaire player. My family legacy is mainly memories, so I especially cherish my few tangible mementos. Especially a photograph of Mimi,... Read More

Looking In The Eyes Of Happiness

From what you see around you in your daily lives, happiness may appear an illusory state of existence. Do you see true happiness in the lives of... Read More

Health and Medical Advice on the Internet: Use it Wisely to Overcome Illness and Find More Happiness

I've got a bit of a problem with depression and anxiety. I've been tackling these problems for several years without the use of modern medicine. Tai Chi,... Read More

Keeping You Confident!

We can all be confident when we are sure of ourselves and knowledgeable about the situation in which we find ourselves. But what happens when we are... Read More

Are You Doing What You Love?

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. --Albert Schweitzer (1875... Read More

What NOT To Do To Feel Good About Yourself - 10 Tips

From the moment we wake in the morning our heads start to fill with all sorts of thoughts. What will you give the kids for breakfast? Will... Read More

Achievement and Happiness the 80/20 Way

If there was ever a principle that was responsible for the most happiness and achievement in the world, it would be the 80/20 Principle.The 80/20 Principle or... Read More

Happiness. Its Between Our Ears!

Happiness is something we all seek, yet few of us find-Some search for it an acquiring material possessions-Some search for it in experiencing pleasant sensations-Some search for... Read More

Quick Tips On Staying Positive In A Negative World

Looking for a way to stay positive in a negative world?Edward W. Smith, motivational speaker, author and TV show host, who specializes in quick tips on how... Read More

Top 25 Happiness Quotations

"There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all."--Anonymous"Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response." -- Mildred Barthel"Happiness is good... Read More

How Good Are You?

The demands of being a good person can sometimes mean sacrificing your own happiness.You may have been raised to be a good boy or girl; encouraged to... Read More

Guess Who Else Has a Problem With Confidence?

When I tell you what I heard you'll be able to laugh at what you believe is your own lack of confidence.I couldn't believe it. Sunday, in... Read More

5 Fabulous B?s for the Happiest You!

Sure it sounds easy? "Be happy." Let's face it there is a little art and a lot of personal measures you can take to reveal true and... Read More

Its All About Me: Why Its Good to Be Selfish

I started thinking about this topic during a discussion of "What You Wish You Knew Then". People were talking about the differences in their lives once they... Read More

It Costs Nothing To Smile

I like to be around positive people, people who tend to be happy, who look on the bright side of life. Far too many people walk around... Read More

Eleven Keys to Success and Happiness

1. Mend a quarrel Seek out a forgotten friend and tell them how much you enjoyed them once and that you wish them peace.2. Dismiss Suspicion Take... Read More

It?s Good to be Goofy

To paraphrase a saying my mother liked to use occasionally, "The whole world is goofy ? except you and me. And sometimes I'm not too sure about... Read More

Gratefulness

Gratefulness brings a great fullness to life. The choice to adopt and hold a moment-by-moment attitude of gratitude is the choice that differentiates those who suffer the... Read More

There is a Cure for the Summertime Blues

I have never lived anywhere else where when you walk outside in the summer you not only feel like you have walked into a sauna, you also... Read More

Our Feelings and Attitudes Around Happily Ever After

Our feelings and attitudes have a huge impact on our ability to achieve 'happily ever after.' Are feelings and attitudes the same thing or different? Does one... Read More

Hanging Out

Right off the top: What is the difference between dating and hanging out?My teens try to differentiate the two by saying that dating is what you do... Read More

Find Shortcuts To Happiness

If someone said you could feel inner peace and joy by just deciding to do it, would you believe them? Well, we're telling you just that! Anyone... Read More

Do You Still Have This Type of Dreams?

Jesus says in Matthew 13:25"But while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat and went his way"The greatest danger that we face in... Read More

Could Your Thoughts Sabotage Your Happiness? Take This Quiz And Find Out

Women are conditioned to be people pleasers. Women are taught to be "nice" even if that's means comprising their happiness, and often times that is exactly what... Read More

Happiness Is A State Of Mind, Im Happy... I Think!

You have the power to attract and repel anything in life you want! It's all in your hands. Contentment, happiness, and joy are right around the corner.... Read More

Choose To Be Happy

What if I told you that you have the ability to decide if you are happy or not. You would probably say that I'm crazy. 1. I'm... Read More