How Santa Makes Out His Christmas List

How Does Santa Make Out His List?

I'll let you in on a secret: I know Santa Claus. And I received a letter from him with his Christmas list.

"Dear Kristin,

"Thank you for the homemade cookies last year. For some reason, people seem to forget that I'm not planning to lose weight, thank you very much. I don't have a peanut allergy and I'm not lactose intolerant. Up here at the North Pole, we don't get nonsense like that. But you wouldn't believe some of the notes I get in lieu of cookies.

"'Santa, you're too fat, get real, love Dr. Phil?Dear Santa, you're in violation of the no-fly zone, signed, the Coalition?Dear Santa, you're using slave labor and oppressing our elf minorities, peace, the Rev. Jesse Jackson?Dear Santa, you're cruel to reindeer, sincerely, PETA?Dear Infidel Santa, we shall eliminate you, signed al-Qa'eda.'

"I was never designed to be politically correct. Right jolly old elf and all that. I'm tired of all this nonsense from people who have forgotten what Christmas used to stand for.

"So, here's my Christmas list. I won't stop delivering toys, but I will start at least expecting a little something in return after all these years.

"1. Dear al-Qa'eda: I have nothing against Allah. Or Jesus Christ or Buddha or anybody's God. I dislike murder in the name of religion. I deliver to all the children who you're going to someday teach to blow themselves up. I deliver love. Your mullahs always say Islam is a religion of love and peace. And for the record, several of my elves are gay. Do I hate them? No.

"2. Dear television news media: Please stop saying 'Christmas stress.' You create Christmas stress. Thousands of miracles happen every day from babies being born to people being rescued to children deciding that someone else needs help. And yet you deliberately choose to talk about alcoholism, murder, sex, family quarrels, and above all, endless materialism. Not to mention celebrities. Who elevated these people to all-knowing status? Who cares what Christmas toy they buy or endorse? And please stop criticizing people for having religious beliefs. If the President of the United States can't express faith in God, there is something wrong with this world. You are only helping those who use religion as an excuse for hatred and greed.

"3. Dear celebrities: Stop making movies where I am the bad guy. There is precious little wonder and innocence in children's lives. And while you're at it, stop taking your clothes off and blowing up people in your films. Give me more 'Seabiscuit.' Steven Spielberg is always on my nice list. I loved the 'Shrek' movies.

"4. Dear advertising executives: Stop using me to sell things that no one uses. We don't need all this stuff. It's getting in the way of our family time, our planet's well-being, our faith and our happiness.

"5. Dear parents: Please stop telling children I don't exist, that I'm evil, and that it's not necessary to be good all year because you will buy them what they want. Whatever happened to kindness? To being good just because it makes someone happy? Because it's the right thing? I can tell you right now that there are quite a few kids, and several of you, who are getting coal in their stockings. It's tough love, which is what you do when someone's headed down the wrong road. It's called parenting and I've got millions of your children to help raise. Hey, at least I'm not the government. Or the television. By the way, turn off all those electronic devices and spend time with your families. I know that there are plenty of you out there who would give your right arm to be able to do just that. I love children. And I love all of you too.

"6. Dear Dr. Phil: I'm happy just the way I am. Thank you.

"7. Dear PETA: You're getting too extreme. My reindeer have better working conditions than in industrialized nations.

"8. Dear Rev. Jesse Jackson: When my elves have the victim consciousness, high teen pregnancy rate, high arrest rate, high drug use rate, and lack of education that your followers have, then I'll consider emancipating them.

"9. Dear Coalition: God and I were here first. I'm immune from no-fly zones and I don't play politics. I do however support the military.

"10. Dear Jesus Christ, YHVH, Allah, Buddha, Great Spirit, et al.: Keep up the good work.

"Love, Santa.

"P.S. from Mrs. Claus: Will women please stop trying to be a size 2?"

You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout?

Movie reviewer/screenwriter Kristin Johnson composes personalized poems, speeches, toasts, vows, and family memories. Visit http://www.poemsforyou.com to order your personalized memories. She is also co-author of the Midwest Book Review "enthusiastically recommended" pick Christmas Cookies Are For Giving: Stories, Recipes and Tips for Making Heartwarming Gifts (ISBN: 0-9723473-9-9). A downloadablemedia kit is available at our Web site, http://www.christmascookiesareforgiving.com, or e-mail the publisher (info@tyrpublishing.com) to receive a printed media kit and sample copy of the book. More articles available at http://www.bakingchristmascookies.com

---

Dress To Impress! Find Your Sexy Halloween Costume And Shake What Your Mamma Gave You

Everyone loves to look and feel good, right? Well, why don't you shake what your mamma gave you, and find a sexy Halloween costume that will knock... Read More

Tips For Less Holiday Stress

Holiday Stress? Some Tips For Having LessWe all dream of having wonderful holidays. We start each day full of the spirit of the season. We look at... Read More

Funny Couples Costume Ideas For Halloween

Tired of the same old typical Halloween costumes. You know the ones?.vampire, witch, or mummy. It also seems that everyone just "has" to wear the latest movie... Read More

Free Christian Ecard and Christian Ecards

A free Christian ecard is comprised of inspirational quotes, musical greetings, messages of love, get well soon, and a plethora of other familiar greeting card options free... Read More

Greeting Card Tango: How To Impress, Not Stress, During The Holidays

When it comes to holiday greeting cards, to send or not to send is often the question. Once you have decided in the affirmative, you then have... Read More

Nine Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Head To The Office Party

One thing you can count on during the holiday season is the obligatory office party. No matter what the size of the organization, there is always an... Read More

Celebrating the ME in MumME

Another Mother's Day is upon us. A day in which our loved ones bestow us with handmade gifts, breakfast in bed, supper out and sometimes even jewelry!!!... Read More

What Are And How To Use Free Ecard and Free Ecards

You can consider free ecards as being the same thing as normally greetings cards. The difference is that an ecard is an electronic card. The advantage of... Read More

Magical Holiday Emergency Kit

With all the travel, gift buying, last minute cramming at work, and family issues, is it any wonder that some of us find the holidays more stressful... Read More

Seven Valentine?s Day Tips for Spouses in ?Less-Than-Perfect? Marriages

Valentine's Day can be a depressing day when you're in an unhappy or shaky marriage. In every store or advertisement you see romantic cards, heart-shaped boxes of... Read More

St Valentines Day, Festival of the Matchmakers

There are as many as eight possible Valentines Day origins and the three most likely contenders were all early church martyrs.However, before the Christian Saints, the day... Read More

Magical Plants of Christmas

Most of the plants we associate with the holiday season are from Europe or the Mediterranean. We know the holly, ivy, mistletoe, christmas rose, rosemary, hawthorn, bay... Read More

The Bloated Bar Mitzvah Celebration: 6 Ways to Take It Back

Bar Mitzvah celebrations have grown exponentially in size and scope in the past twenty years.That's great news for me; I derive much of the income I earn... Read More

A Christmas Tradition - Vintage Ornaments

Traditional hand-blown glass Christmas ornaments never seem to go out of style. There is something special about them: pulling them out year after year and smiling at... Read More

Are You Going To Survive The Holidays?

Admit it! You promised this year was not going to be like the last few...and here you are, it is December and guess what? You did it... Read More

The Holiday Army

Here it comes again - the Holiday Army - in its annual march against us. Some of its generals are called "Thanksgiving," "Christmas," "Hanukah," "New Year's Eve"... Read More

Ten Ways To Make The Holidays Easier Next Year

What does your holiday season usually look like -- a lot of rushing around at the last minute? The holidays really don't have to require so much... Read More

Planning a Gift Closet

Creating a gift closet is a wonderful way to plan ahead for gift giving occasions. It's also handy for those last-minute emergency events that spring up throughout... Read More

Fun Halloween Party Themes and Ideas

Halloween is the day of the year that has the most parties thrown in its honor. Everyone loves to dress up and attend Halloween parties with their... Read More

Scary halloween Masks

There are countless Halloween masks available today. At Halloween specialty stores and online shops, you will find a mask in the likeness of every ghoul, alien, and... Read More

Create Warm Memories with Holiday Traditions

I remember just a handful of the Christmas presents I received as a child: My first Barbie doll with her skinny black sequined gown. My soft, pink... Read More

How to Overcome the Overwhelm of the Holiday Season (And Reduce Holiday Stress)

The Holiday Season can be a wonderful time of year, filled with lovely decorations, gift exchanges, visits with friends and family and delicious meals. But for many... Read More

Do It Yourself Gifts

Sometimes gifts that you purchase are not as personalized as you would like. They do not quite seem to fit the idea you had in mind. For... Read More

The Holiday Shopping Experience - Rewarding or Traumatic?

Picture this scenario! It's December 24th, the day of Christmas Eve. On this day you should be relaxing, enjoying time with family and thinking of all the... Read More

Real vs. Artificial Christmas Trees

Putting up and decorating your Christmas tree is a holiday tradition which has been in effect for hundreds of years and will probably be in effect until... Read More

The Spirit of Fathers Day

Some time ago I received a gift from both of my children. It was spontaneous and had nothing to do with Father's day. Yet, at the same... Read More