Healing The Abandonment Wounds

I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. Every individual I've worked with has had some abandonment wound to heal, and most relationship problems stem from abandonment wounds.

It is not possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. The following are some of the ways it can occur:

• Being torn away from mother at birth and put into a nursery.

• Being left to cry in a crib or playpen.

• Being given up for adoption or being left in foster care.

• Being physically and/or sexually abused.

• Being emotionally abused - ignored, yelled at, shamed.

• Being pushed aside at the birth of a new sibling.

• Having a parent or caregiver who is emotionally unavailable.

• Being unseen or misunderstood by parents or other caregivers.

• Being lied to.

• Being unprotected by a parent or caregiver.

• Being left alone in a hospital during an illness.

• Losing a beloved parent or grandparent at a very young age.

• Divorce.

• Being teased or left out with siblings or peers.

• Being ridiculed by a teacher.

• Being forgotten - not being picked up from school or other places.

• Being left at a young age to care for oneself, a parent, or other siblings.

When we are deeply wounded at a young age, we cannot handle the pain, so we find ways to dissociate from the intense feelings. Then, later in life, especially when we fall in love, these old wounds can get activated. Our beloved gets angry, withdraws, gives attention to someone else, says mean things, doesn't tell the truth, doesn't stand up for us, comes home late, wanders away in a crowded public place, misunderstands us, and so on - and suddenly the pain that has been pushed aside all these years comes roaring to the surface. We think that we are reacting to the present situation, but what is really happening is that the old, unhealed abandonment wound has been touched off. We might find ourselves suddenly enraged or falling apart with intense tears. Our reaction seems too big for the situation, yet we cannot seem to stop the inner pain. We might start to shake violently as the old terror finally erupts.

We want our beloved to take the pain away by stopping his or her behavior. If only he or she would not do the thing that activates these feelings, we would be fine. Yet until we actually heal these old, deep wounds, we will not be fine. We will always be vulnerable to having these wounds activated.

Healing the abandonment wounds does not happen overnight, yet it does not have to take years either. Step one is to tune into your feelings with a willingness to take responsibility for your pain. Once you are aware that deep pain has been activated, seek the help of someone who can hold you and nurture you while you go into the abandonment pain. If no one is available, hold a doll, bear or pillow, and bring in love to the hurting part of you. Open to your concept of God or Spirit and allow this source of love and strength to nurture you.

It is often not advisable to seek the help of the person who activated the wound because:

1) he or she may still be stuck in their own wounded place, the place that touched off your wound;

2) you might become dependent upon your beloved taking care of you and taking the pain away instead of actually healing the pain.

Once you are with a safe, nurturing person, or even on the phone with a safe person, hold a doll or bear or even a pillow very tightly and breath into the pain. Open to learning and allow the Inner Child who is in pain to give you information about the original pain that is still stuck in the body. The body holds the memories that you repressed at the time, and now the body is releasing these memories. Many images may come up as you open to learning with your Inner Child. Be sure you have your spiritual guidance with you, holding you, surrounding you with love and comfort as you open to learning about this deep pain. In order to truly understand your present reaction, you need to understand what happened to you when you were little. Keep breathing deeply and allowing your Inner Child to inform you, even if you are crying. Tell the person helping you what your Child is telling you about what happened to you when you were little. It may take awhile, but gradually you will calm down. At that point, tune into what false beliefs you may have embraced as a child that are affecting you now, and what else your Child needs right now to feel loved and safe.

Being there for your wounded child this way will gradually heal the abandonment wounds. Ignoring your feelings, trying to make them go away, or trying to get someone else to take them away will only serve to re-wound you. It is only when you no longer abandon yourself that the old wounds begin to heal. Eventually, another's behavior that previously triggered your intense reaction will no longer do so. You may feel sad or lonely when a loved one gets angry or withdraws in some way, but as long as you continue to show up for yourself, the intense pain will not be there.

If the pain seems stuck in the body no matter what you do, then you need to seek out a practitioner who knows how to release old pain out of the body through acupressure or other bodywork.

Once these old wounds are healing, you will feel a new sense of personal power. Others' behavior can no longer trigger you into these intensely painful feelings. However, a word of caution: we may think it is healed, only to discover another level when we move into a more intimate relationship, or more intimacy with a present partner. The closer the relationship, the deeper the wounds get activated. That is why the primary relationship is the most powerful arena for healing there is, and Inner Bonding - the process outlined here - is a most powerful tool! (See resource box for a FREE Inner Bonding course).

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

Leaving The Child Behind. Recovery From Child Abuse

I looked at my father for the last time before he was finally laid to rest. And I said to myself, "I forgive you father".I have forgiven... Read More

Everyday is a Gift, Open and Enjoy It

There is a bottle of perfume sitting on my dresser that I was given when I was ten years old! As you can tell I have pack... Read More

Fear Factor

What is it that stops you from jumping off a 5 story building, is it the fear of falling, the sudden stop at the bottom or knowing... Read More

Its A Brand New Day

Waking up one day and realizing your world just isn't working for you is the first step into an incredibly exciting new journey. That awakening is to... Read More

Supercharge Your Dreams!

We all accept the fact that the lighter the backpack, the easier and quicker the climb to the top of the mountain. We all understand that the... Read More

The True and Magnificent Power of Giving

You've probably heard of the popular saying "It's better to give than to receive." But do you actually know what hidden power lies within this magnanimous act... Read More

Create Your Own Self Esteem - Part 1

Self-esteem is something that we all wish we had more of. Some of us go through our entire life feeling "self-esteem deficient". The constraints placed on us... Read More

How Would YOU React To Tragedy Like This?

The true story I'm about to share will have a profound impact on you, just as it did on me.One day a mother was in her kitchen... Read More

The Amazing Power of the Human Will

The human will is the most incredible thing. I believe it is the human will that keeps us going, when everyone else expects us to sit, or... Read More

A Time To Awake

What has become of your fondest dreams?If you were guaranteed success, what would dare to attempt?We all have dreams, deep inside?those moments when we take a voyage... Read More

Embracing Your Wildness

As small children, we were all wild. Not unlike the wolf pup in the den, we ran when we felt like it, sniffed or tasted things to... Read More

Maternal Instincts

Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 14, 2002I am a woman in her mid-60s whose husband passed away, and I do not want to... Read More

Keep On Believing

It has been said that a man is what he eats. Someone else said that a man is what he reads. Still another has said that a... Read More

Night of the Living Dead

For many people, life has become as dull and despairing as death. We suffer from spiritual inertia. We have allowed ourselves to be paralyzed by shallow beliefs... Read More

4 Abundant Ways To Add FIRE To Your Passion!

How many times have you found yourself dreaming you were more passionate?What makes certain people so passionate? How come they seem to be on-fire for their cause?... Read More

Why Anyone Can Be Prosperous

In nature, when the season is right, all things flourish and overflow with abundance.Similarly, any person can also benefit from the abundance of the creative force in... Read More

How I Made $10,000 In One Day By Swimming Underwater!

"Without health, life is not life; it is only a state of languor and suffering," RabelaisIf you want to be wealthy, it's best to get healthy. A... Read More

Dont Ever Give Up

There is a reason I never gave up. A reason I never will give up my hope, my dreams, my desire to live. The reason is people... Read More

A Prison Cell?

Do you have a goal? A focus in life? Have you invested a great deal of time, effort, money to achieve and yet feel you haven't made... Read More

Naomi and the 5 Life Lessons

Not long ago, I attended a seminar that featured Naomi Judd, half of the legendary country music duo, The Judds. Naomi, with her talented daughter, Wynonna, set... Read More

All Is Going Well?

The true test in life does not occur when all is going well. The true test takes place when we are faced with challenges. Some people have... Read More

Discover Your Passion

What are you passionate about? We didn't ask if you are passionate. But what are you passionate about? What stirs your emotions? What is it you can't... Read More

The Right Approach

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 9, 2003I grew up in a happy, loving, stable home. My fiance was not as lucky. He was... Read More

Information -- Schminformation, Enough Already!

We are drowning in it, our grey matter is swollen with it, half the time when we need a piece of it and we know it is... Read More

Commitment To The Journey

I have been a business owner for about a minute. In fact, that would probably be quite generous if you compared me to the business moguls out... Read More

Timepieces

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 2, 2003I am a father of three teenagers. The older boy and girl are obedient, good at their... Read More