Evil, Hostile Grumpy Listeners? Think Again

I hated Kyle Sisk*. A notorious bully, Kyle punctuated my grade school years with misery. He would tease me about my weight, purposely rattle me with shocking language, delight in making me look foolish at every opportunity. Kyle had scary, penetrating eyes and sharp, jagged teeth that looked, appropriately, like fangs. He even had his own evil henchman named Eddie who would follow him everywhere, laughing a conspiratorial little laugh asking, "Heh, heh, what are we going to do next, Kyle? Heh, heh." (All Eddie was missing was a hump.) A typical encounter was the time I was walking home from school and Kyle and Eddie pounced from behind some bushes, grabbed my books and threw them in the mud. Even worse, they snatched my precious, brand new little purse and threw it into the branches of a tree, far out of reach. They then ran off cackling in triumph. I, purseless, limped home in tears.

A Sad Reprieve

This type of treatment continued all through grade school. I enjoyed the respite of summertime before we started at our new junior high school but September came and with it, my sense of dread at seeing Kyle again. I was given a reprieve, but an unwelcome one. That first week of school, my father died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I stayed home from school for about a week for the funeral and family visits. My first day back, the teachers wanted to take it easy on me so they gave me the coveted duty of going to each classroom and placing the absentee list on each teacher's desk. I felt special to be excused from class and was enjoying my rounds when I came to Mr. Lester's science class. I entered the room and my heart stopped. There, sitting right next to Mr. Lester's desk was Evil Incarnate himself, Kyle. There was no avoiding him--he had seen me come in--so I braced myself for whatever abuse he was no doubt preparing, but as I got closer I noticed that he didn't have his usual smug expression. He was looking down at his desk sheepishly. Very odd. As I lay the paper on the teacher's desk, Kyle looked up at me with big, soft eyes and in a timid, tentative voice said, "I'm sorry your old man croaked."

A State of Shock

I was stunned. Not from the inelegance of the sentiment, but rather from the realization that Kyle-even KYLE-had the capacity to feel and express compassion. "I'm sorry your old man croaked" wasn't exactly poetic, but to me it was the sweetest expression of kindness I had ever heard. It was in that moment that I realized that everyone, no matter how intimidating, has good in there somewhere.

A Lesson for Speaking

I think we need to remember this when we speak to our audiences. We look out and see grumpy frowns or intimidating scowls but even those listeners have hearts and the potential to connect with us. We might not be able to connect right away--maybe not ever--but just about everyone has that basic human spark of goodness through which we all connect. Besides, you've heard the old saying, "Behind every jerk is a sad story." We need to remember that the most intimidating, obnoxious audience members you will ever face most likely got to be that way because of pain. Looking back, Kyle's bullying no doubt stemmed from his miserable home life. His lashing out at me on the schoolyard is not much different than the heckler at a comedy club or a nit-picking critic at a presentation. Frustration, disappointment, powerlessness-they all lead to acting out, and as speakers we're sometimes on the receiving end. But no matter how bad the behavior, those difficult listeners in your audience still have the capacity to support you.

I think we can foster their humanness by being the first to reach out in a spirit of openness and service. When we speak to serve, with a genuine desire to do good for our listeners, we increase the likelihood that their negative energy will diminish in favor of a positive connection. There's no guarantee that they will reach back to support us, and they may even keep up their offensive behavior, but let's at least allow for the possibility that they might not be as evil as we think.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy

About The Author

Melissa Lewis turns traditional thinking about public speaking upside down to give people more comfort, confidence and charisma in front of groups. She is a former comic actress, a certified facilitator of SPEAKING CIRCLES( , president-elect of the National Speakers Association Kansas City Chapter and author of the soon-to-be-released book, Upside Down Speaking. For more information call (913) 341-1241 or visit www.upsidedownspeaking.com.

melissa@upsidedownspeaking.com

---

Managing Monsters in Meetings - Part 6, Deadlocked Discussions

Although a meeting is a vehicle for resolving differences, it can break down when the participants become mired in a disagreement.Approach 1: Form a subcommitteeAsk for volunteers... Read More

The Code of the Conference Leader

Are your meetings generally a waste of time? Do you have trouble getting commitment on the decisions made? The following information is based on "Conference Leadership", an... Read More

Embracing Adversity for Achievement

"Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity." -- Lou HoltzSuccess in life depends upon being strong people... Read More

5 Human Capital Asset Enrichment Strategies for Leaders!

Here's a really simple way to think about the ins and outs, the doing and practice or attitudes and behaviors of being a leader.Many times I get... Read More

Always Be Open To Learning

"We should not only use all the brains we have, but all we can borrow." -Woodrow WilsonLeave it to a child to remind you of the importance... Read More

Characteristics of a Good Leader

It's interesting to hear the responses from executives when I ask them, "What are the characteristics of a good Leader?"If I ask that question in a large... Read More

How To Get To Know A Disabled Person

When you first meet someone who is blind, deaf, or in a wheelchair, what is your initial reaction? Curiosity? Sympathy? Awkwardness? If you experience any of these... Read More

Benefits of Leadership Skill Training

DESCRIPTION CMOE's Leadership Skill Training addresses a wide range of leadership development topics, based on the needs of the audience and scope of delivery. Leadership Skill Training... Read More

Leadership Success and its Greatest Barrier: the Law of Administrivia

Years ago, a very wise, and often cynical boss of mine asked me for a definition of management. After reflecting on the question I proceeded to give... Read More

Birth Order - Understand How It Affects Your Personality

"Know thyself" is a powerful principle that leaders, managers and effective people intuitively know.When you understand your own strengths and preferences you are in a position to... Read More

Get Angry And Then Get Results

Leadership is not about winning a popularity contest, it's about getting great results. To do so, leaders must challenge people not to do what they want to... Read More

Weakness, Struggle, Fear, Knowledge, Growth, Courage, Leader

Theodore Roosevelt was one of the most remarkable men in the history of the world. As a boy he wanted the boldness of his father. As a... Read More

Building Self Confidence

As a hypnotherapist I specialise in helping people to develop confidence and self esteem.Perhaps surprisingly, the people who ask for my help are not shrinking violets and... Read More

Real Charisma, Clinton Style

What exactly is Charisma? Most would agree that it is a magical, illusive, personal quality, divinely endowed on some people more than others. One thing is for... Read More

The Six Essential Leadership Attributes

Leadership is the foundation for all organizations, whether corporate, nonprofit or government. Leadership is a high calling and responsibility, upon which all else the organization is or... Read More

From Failure To Victory; The Cats Out Of The Bag!

Did you ever think that all of the great heroes we read about may not have been particularly great men in and of themselves? They may not... Read More

Three Growth Guidelines from Stephen Covey

I have been looking for answers to what it takes to create a winning corporate culture in the midst of today's confusing economic indicators. If I rely... Read More

Why You Should Ignore This Advice

Doesn't make too much sense does it? Am I really going to give you some advice that asks you to ignore the advice I'm giving you? Well,... Read More

Character Traits of Extraordinary Leaders

When people make a decision (either consciously or unconsciously) to follow your leadership, they do it primarily because of one of two things: Your Character or your... Read More

Managing Monsters in Meetings - Part 4, Quiet Participants

There are many reasons why someone would decline to participate during a meeting. For example, the person may feel reluctant to speak out, may disagree with the... Read More

Ten Characteristics of Leadership

Many people are interested in the characteristics of a great leader. There are many lists of these traits. These are quotes taken from an article by Bill... Read More

The Qualities of Skillful Leadership

If you want to be a leader who attracts quality people, the key is to become a person of quality yourself. Leadership is the ability to attract... Read More

Reveal the Leader Within

A Leader is not a certain type of person or position of power. It is not the one at the top of the golf leader board at... Read More

How To Party Like Leonardo Da Vinci

After studying scores of great thinkers like Leonardo Da Vinci, I think I've stumbled upon what really set them apart from the rest of the folks living... Read More

The Tao of Leadership

There can be no doubt that the ancient author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-Tzu, was a man of unique wisdom whose writings continue to influence people... Read More

C4 Leadership: Taking Your Leadership (and your Life) from Good...To Explosive!

Chances are if you're interested in this post, you're looking for a few tips to take your leadership and/or your life, up a notch or two. Read... Read More