Before You Begin Marriage Counseling, Ask This Question

Home
>
Marriage & Wedding
>
Before You Begin Marriage Counseling, Ask This Question

Before You Begin Marriage Counseling, Ask This Question

There's an important question that you need to ask the marriage counselor you and your spouse are considering using. The question itself may surprise you, as well as the answer your potential counselor gives.

It's an often-overlooked question that hardly anyone ever talks about. Therapists don't include it in articles they write about how to select a good counselor, so you're unlikely to read about it. I've never heard of the topic being discussed on the popular daytime television shows that delve into so many varied subjects.

But the answer to this important question could save you time, money, and energy spent with the wrong therapist. It's a good question to use as a deciding factor if you narrow your search for a marriage counselor down to two or three possibilities, and all look fairly equal in education, training, and experience.

What is the question I consider so important that it could be the "deciding vote" in selecting a therapist for marriage counseling? Here it is. Ask the potential marriage counselor(s): "Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"

Then watch the therapist's reaction and listen carefully to what he or she says. Also pay attention to the emotional tone in the response. Consider the following responses to the suggested question. My remarks are in italics in the parenthesis:

1. "No, I've never had to go to counseling."

(Never "had" to go? Do you mean that you're "above" having to go to counseling? That only people who aren't as emotionally stable as you are "have" to go? How will you even know what it's like to go to an unfamiliar office and tell a stranger the most intimate details about your life?)

2. "Yes, I went once for several times when my father died."

(That's slightly better, but what about all that self-growth work counselors are always advocating other people do? Don't you take your own advice?)

3. "No."

(That's odd. Why the one-word answer? It's a logical question to ask. Why would I entrust you with my vulnerability and something as important as my marriage if you've never been to counseling yourself? Why haven't you been? Don't you believe in what you're offering?)

4. "I took part in some counseling when I took my courses for my degree."

(You mean you role played with other students in some of your counseling classes-that doesn't count. You weren't in a real counseling situation and were probably focused on what your classmates and professor thought of your role-playing. That's totally different from participating in therapy to look closely at your own real issues.)

5. "Yes, I have. I've had several years of intensive personal counseling, and I still see a counselor when things come up that I need to process. I know how much courage and commitment it takes to confront personal issues, avoid blaming others, and take responsibility for the quality of one's life."

(Yes, this is the one! He (or she) has gone through the counseling process himself. He won't be just talking about something he has never experienced, and he doesn't sound ashamed that he's had counseling. Instead, he sounds proud of himself for making that choice. I like that he "practices what he preaches" about counseling. He must believe that it helps in some way or he wouldn't have spent so much time and money getting counseling himself.)

Are you surprised to learn that many counselors have never participated in counseling as clients and have never faced their own individual or relationship issues? That they could get their advanced degree and become licensed without having participated in personal growth counseling? It is shocking to think that could happen, but it does-quite often.

Just think about it-would you want to go to a therapist who recommends counseling to others but has never taken her (or his) own advice? Who hasn't dealt with her own personal past and present issues that could impact the recommendations she makes to you? Who doesn't really know how vulnerable you feel as a client and how much courage it takes to make an appointment, sit in the waiting room, and then talk openly to someone you've never seen before?

I can unequivocally say that you should steer clear of counselors who haven't done their own work in counseling-either in individual counseling, relationship or marriage counseling, or both. There's a saying that you can't take other people any further than you've been yourself.

That's certainly true when it comes to counseling. The counselor needs to be very familiar with the terrain-not from only textbook knowledge but from personal experience, also. He (or she) also needs to be able to help you without getting your issues all tangled up in his own unresolved issues-something personal counseling helps a counselor to do more effectively.

So before you sign on with a marriage counselor, ask the important question--"Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"-and be sure that the counselor you select knows the advantages of personal counseling first-hand.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

In The News:

St. Louis Post-Dispatch
Eloping to Vegas? Why Not Lower Manhattan?
New York Times, United States - Jan 7, 2009
“With these new digs, there might just be a new world wedding capital.” The city clerk’s office issued 66600 marriage licenses 2007 and performed about ...
Manhattan's new Marriage Bureau earns wows as a place to say your vows New York Daily News
NY hears wedding bells, aims to compete with Vegas The Associated Press
Wedding Bells Ring In NYC Marriage Bureau WNYC
Downtown Express - Gothamistall 254 news articles

Washington Post
‘Bride Wars’ is a failed marriage | 1 ½ stars
Kansas City Star, MO - 12 hours ago
And their mutual friends will have to decide which wedding to attend. All would be well if only one of them would cancel (or if they would agree to a double ...
Video: Ann Hathaway's Stellar Year CBS
Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway are funny allies Los Angeles Times
Two Weddings and a Furor New York Times
Tampa Tribune - Boston Globeall 728 news articles

Boston Globe
Movie review: Cliches nag 'Not Easily Broken'
San Francisco Chronicle, USA - 4 hours ago
The opening wedding scene in the new Bill Duke film, "Not Easily Broken" is so overwrought and cliched, it's akin to sitting down with a promising novel, ...
Not Easily Broken ( ** ) AHN
Movie Review: ‘Not Easily Broken’ is a romantic soap opera that ... Providence Journal
» Inspirational drama anything but 'Broken' Chicago Daily Herald
Pittsburgh Post Gazette - Kansas City Starall 66 news articles

FOR FAMILIES: A guide for parents to Jan. 9 and earlier releases
Chicago Tribune, United States - 9 hours ago
By Roger Moore | Tribune Newspapers What it's about: Best friends become dueling brides when they both book the wedding they've always dreamed of in the ...

Wedding war: Las Vegas versus New York
KVBC, NV - 7 hours ago
The city has renovated it marriage bureau and even built a 24000-square-foot wedding complex with the hope of becoming the most popular wedding site. ...

Wearing white and eating cake, Brides magazine turns 75
The Canadian Press, NEW YORK - 19 hours ago
"The magazine is realistic about how people's lives are today, but still the focus is how to have a successful wedding and start a healthy marriage," says ...

New York Magazine
City to Make Your Shotgun Marriage Just That Much Nicer
New York Magazine, USA - Jan 7, 2009
Photo: Getty Images Perhaps sensing the economic downturn (and having eventually watched the Sex and the City movie), the city spruced up its civil-wedding ...

MLive.com
Bay County gets older, refrains from marriage, likes guns ...
MLive.com, MI - 17 hours ago
Luczak said economics could be partly to blame, as young couples struggling to get a foothold in life may be putting off the expense of a wedding.

MSNBC
Couple goes from divorce to 'I Do Again'
MSNBC - 11 hours ago
Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs, founders of Hope Marriage Ministries, recount the slow destruction of their relationship, which ended in divorce. ...

Former First Lady Cornelia Wallace Dies At 69
NBC13.com, AL - 3 hours ago
Just 16 months after their wedding Governor Wallace was shot. The assassination attempt left Wallace paralyzed. Fifty-four days later, he left the hospital ...

marriage wedding - Google News

Your Ad Here

Before You Begin Marriage Counseling, Ask This Question

Marriage & Wedding Marriage & Wedding