Is Conflict Healthy in Marriage?

Today my three-year-old daughter told my husband that she wants to be married. When he asked her why, she replied, "Because you get to be nice to one another".

Are you nice to your partner? Or do you find yourself involved in heated competition, endless cycles of discord, and/or tiresome critical thinking?

According to Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE), "Every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of 'incompatibility' or disagreement that they will never resolve." In other words, it's possible to disagree with your spouse and still have a fulfilling relationship. It's all in how you do it.

Because you and your spouse may have ten issues that you will not be able to agree upon at any given time, how will you be able to resolve these conflicts and maintain a happy medium in your household?

First and foremost don't avoid or side step the concerns that each of you have. Conflict in marriage is not an "if", but rather a "when". And according to Sollee, avoidance is one of the key factors determining a couple's separation and divorce. Make sure you voice your opinions, but do it with the understanding that you don't need to change your spouse. Focus, rather, on the way you present yourself in times of conflict.

Secondly, welcome and embrace change. While you have committed to "love until death", you haven't promised to stay the same through the course of your life. Everyone is learning and growing at different paces and in different places. Don't let this growth, change the positive ways you act towards your husband or wife.

Next, understand that even if you were to divorce and remarry, you would still have to deal with the short comings of your new partner and they would have to deal with yours. You'd just have a new set of disagreements. Nobody's perfect. Realizing this fact and internalizing it, will give you a better grip on how to cope with the irreconcilable differences you have in your current marriage.

Finally, don't let your disagreements contaminate the rest of your relationship. Choose to exhibit positive behaviors towards your spouse. Deciding to become more affectionate or offering encouraging words on a regular basis can go a long way. It will get you through some tough times. Often partners eventually mirror each other's behavior inside and outside of their disagreements.

Don't let conflict put a sour taste in your relationship. If you want to have a healthy and happy marriage, your goal can be to agree with the understanding that disagreeing is a part of life.

For more information about Diane Sollee and the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education visit www.smartmarriages.com

Keishia Lee-Louis is the Editor and Publisher of http://www.Married4Good.com (launching November 2005). Her work has appeared on iVillage.com, BibleResourceCenter.com, and in numerous other printed publications.

Currently, she lives with her husband, daughter and son and is writing a book on marriage relationships, which will be published Spring 2006.

If you'd like to see more of her work, visit http://married4good.blogspot.com

In The News:

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The Associated Press
Eloping to Vegas? Why Not Lower Manhattan?
New York Times, United States - Jan 7, 2009
“With these new digs, there might just be a new world wedding capital.� The city clerk’s office issued 66600 marriage licenses 2007 and performed about ...
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Washington Post
‘Bride Wars’ is a failed marriage | 1 ½ stars
Kansas City Star, MO - 13 hours ago
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Boston Globe
Movie review: Cliches nag 'Not Easily Broken'
San Francisco Chronicle,  USA - 5 hours ago
The opening wedding scene in the new Bill Duke film, "Not Easily Broken" is so overwrought and cliched, it's akin to sitting down with a promising novel, ...
Not Easily Broken ( ** ) AHN
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FOR FAMILIES: A guide for parents to Jan. 9 and earlier releases
Chicago Tribune, United States - 10 hours ago
By Roger Moore | Tribune Newspapers What it's about: Best friends become dueling brides when they both book the wedding they've always dreamed of in the ...

Wearing white and eating cake, Brides magazine turns 75
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KVBC, NV - 8 hours ago
The city has renovated it marriage bureau and even built a 24000-square-foot wedding complex with the hope of becoming the most popular wedding site. ...

New York Magazine
City to Make Your Shotgun Marriage Just That Much Nicer
New York Magazine,  USA - Jan 7, 2009
Photo: Getty Images Perhaps sensing the economic downturn (and having eventually watched the Sex and the City movie), the city spruced up its civil-wedding ...

MLive.com
Bay County gets older, refrains from marriage, likes guns ...
MLive.com, MI - 18 hours ago
Luczak said economics could be partly to blame, as young couples struggling to get a foothold in life may be putting off the expense of a wedding.

MSNBC
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Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs, founders of Hope Marriage Ministries, recount the slow destruction of their relationship, which ended in divorce. ...

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