Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony

Home
>
Marriage & Wedding
>
Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony

Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony

The formula for marital harmony and success is not a mysterious secret. It's actually very straightforward.

The "behind the scenes" part is the constant work that's required to keep the channels of love and communication clear from obstruction. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and energy addressing issues as they come up so that anger and hurt feelings don't accumulate.

Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for ways to keep their love strong, such as remembering to show affection and appreciation frequently. They know that the more they feel connected and bonded, the more motivated they will be to resolve problems and hang in there when things are difficult.

The following eight steps will guide you in looking at what you can do to increase your chances for creating a happy, harmonious marriage:

1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you brought with you into the marriage.

Many responses that you have to your spouse's actions are triggered by past events going back to your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds is feeling disrespected, then when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you'll experience an intense reaction. Individual counseling can help you to be more self-aware of what's behind your intense reactions and what you can do so that you don't over-react to issues in your marriage.

2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage.

Blame only causes the other person to become defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability that the two of you can find a win-win solution to your problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for what's happening in the marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can hurt the relationship. A marriage is composed of two people, and each contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares responsibility for it.

3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner's place when issues come up.

Really try to understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something that you can't make sense of. Ask your spouse to talk about his or her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that you don't understand. Develop a curiosity for learning more about your spouse's feelings and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for the discussions with your spouse.

4. Look for ways to make your partner's life easier and to show your love.

Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day life are the little things---the extra time it takes to pick up the cleaning on the way home from work or to put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away. When you see some errand or task that you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it.

Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or have downtime. Watch for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. It's often the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.

5. Express appreciation often and say form the habit of saying "thank you."

As months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and neglect to express appreciation or say "thank you" to each other. Numerous spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they do wrong and never compliment them.

It's sad to think that the one person who means the most to you might have to wonder whether or not you appreciate them. Let your spouse know how much he or she means to you on a frequent basis. Give compliments and praise freely, and express thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life and marriage.

6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your part in whatever happens in the marriage.

The truth is that sometimes it's hard to say "I'm sorry." That's when it's time to remember the question, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?"

Accept that things don't always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can happen easily. It's a mark of maturity when you can say, "I'm so sorry for my part in what has happened between us."

7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in your life that you enjoy so you're not thrown off center so easily if you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse.

It's important to have interests and activities of your own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep you balanced and anchored if other areas of your life are upsetting. That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to withstand the on-going stress.

For example, if you and your spouse are encountering some rocks along the relationship path, you could go on a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read an interesting book. Those activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help balance out the temporary problems in your marriage. You're always ahead of the game when you know some ways to lift your spirits.

8. Look for fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your mate.

Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun for you and your spouse to do together. Search the local newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants that are advertised. Laughter and having fun is bonding and can help to create those "Kodak moments" that are so delightful.

Also look for activities that represent causes you and your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday helping a local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local soup kitchen. These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common with your spouse and of how good it feels to be working in unison with a shared purpose.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

In The News:

St. Louis Post-Dispatch
Eloping to Vegas? Why Not Lower Manhattan?
New York Times, United States - Jan 7, 2009
“With these new digs, there might just be a new world wedding capital.” The city clerk’s office issued 66600 marriage licenses 2007 and performed about ...
Manhattan's new Marriage Bureau earns wows as a place to say your vows New York Daily News
NY hears wedding bells, aims to compete with Vegas The Associated Press
Wedding Bells Ring In NYC Marriage Bureau WNYC
Downtown Express - Gothamistall 254 news articles

Washington Post
‘Bride Wars’ is a failed marriage | 1 ½ stars
Kansas City Star, MO - 13 hours ago
And their mutual friends will have to decide which wedding to attend. All would be well if only one of them would cancel (or if they would agree to a double ...
Video: Ann Hathaway's Stellar Year CBS
'Bride Wars' stars Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway are funny allies Los Angeles Times
Two Weddings and a Furor New York Times
Tampa Tribune - Boston Globeall 755 news articles

Boston Globe
Movie review: Cliches nag 'Not Easily Broken'
San Francisco Chronicle, USA - 5 hours ago
The opening wedding scene in the new Bill Duke film, "Not Easily Broken" is so overwrought and cliched, it's akin to sitting down with a promising novel, ...
Not Easily Broken ( ** ) AHN
Movie Review: ‘Not Easily Broken’ is a romantic soap opera that ... Providence Journal
» Inspirational drama anything but 'Broken' Chicago Daily Herald
Pittsburgh Post Gazette - Kansas City Starall 81 news articles

FOR FAMILIES: A guide for parents to Jan. 9 and earlier releases
Chicago Tribune, United States - 10 hours ago
By Roger Moore | Tribune Newspapers What it's about: Best friends become dueling brides when they both book the wedding they've always dreamed of in the ...

Wedding war: Las Vegas versus New York
KVBC, NV - 8 hours ago
The city has renovated it marriage bureau and even built a 24000-square-foot wedding complex with the hope of becoming the most popular wedding site. ...

Wearing white and eating cake, Brides magazine turns 75
The Canadian Press, NEW YORK - 20 hours ago
"The magazine is realistic about how people's lives are today, but still the focus is how to have a successful wedding and start a healthy marriage," says ...

New York Magazine
City to Make Your Shotgun Marriage Just That Much Nicer
New York Magazine, USA - Jan 7, 2009
Photo: Getty Images Perhaps sensing the economic downturn (and having eventually watched the Sex and the City movie), the city spruced up its civil-wedding ...

MLive.com
Bay County gets older, refrains from marriage, likes guns ...
MLive.com, MI - 18 hours ago
Luczak said economics could be partly to blame, as young couples struggling to get a foothold in life may be putting off the expense of a wedding.

Former First Lady Cornelia Wallace Dies At 69
NBC13.com, AL - 4 hours ago
Just 16 months after their wedding Governor Wallace was shot. The assassination attempt left Wallace paralyzed. Fifty-four days later, he left the hospital ...

KHOU
Houston wedding show could help brides on a budget
KHOU, TX - Jan 7, 2009
“I refuse to go into this marriage in debt, “ says Ashley. “That's no way to start out.” -- Watch the flowers. All those arrangements can quickly add up. ...

marriage wedding - Google News

Your Ad Here

Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony

Marriage & Wedding Marriage & Wedding