Being Genuinely Curious

Yesterday at the dinner table, my eleven-year-old daughter asked me, "Aren't there times when you absolutely know you're right and the other person is wrong?" She had a disagreement at school that day and believed that her view was the truth. I said, "I used to think I was always right and that other people were wrong. Now I still think I may be right, but I realize that other people know things that I don't. I'm more interested in learning than being right."

This month I want to describe how you can use curiosity - a key principle of The Skilled Facilitator and Facilitative Leader approach - to increase your effectiveness. My clients often tell me that learning to be curious has significantly improved their relationships with others and the results they get.

Curiosity is the desire to learn. When you're genuinely curious, you assume that other people may have information that you don't have. You also assume that others may see things that you may miss. As a result, you consider your point of view open to change.

When I first started practicing the Skilled Facilitator approach, I was not genuinely curious. If people disagreed with me, I was curious about their points of view, but only so that I could use what I learned to better advocate my own point of view. I still believed that I was right and they were wrong. My colleague Peg Carlson made this clear when she said, "Roger, having a disagreement with you is like a war of attrition. I know we'll end up doing what you want. It's just a matter of how long I want to hang in." I was just more sophisticated about hiding my belief, but it still guided my behavior. Does this describe you at times?

What I learned then is that it's not enough to ask others about their points of view. If you're not genuinely curious and if you're not interested in seeking valid information, you will use your pseudo-curiosity to control others. And they will figure this out, even if you know how to say the right words such as, "do you see it differently?" or "what problems do you see with my suggestion?" To help her make the transition, my colleague Sue McKinney took to asking herself this question: "What would I say if I were curious?" It's helped many of our clients build their curiosity.

When you're genuinely curious, your questions come easily and naturally. When someone gives you negative feedback about your performance, if you're genuinely curious, you can ask, "Can you give me some specific examples of times when I've done that? That would really help me understand better." And if, when you get the examples, you see it differently, then you say so and still remain curious, exploring how the two of you see your performance in different lights.

My clients often assume incorrectly that they have to be less vocal about their own point of view to be curious about others' views. Not so. As long as you're as curious about others views as you are passionate about your own, you will be able to use your curiosity to work effectively with others.

Sometimes the structures we work in make it more difficult for us to be curious. One of my favorite examples is a client that has a performance management system in which your boss has to approve your direct report's performance evaluation before you can discuss the evaluation with your direct report. This sets up a dynamic in which you can find yourself in a dilemma if you are genuinely curious about how your direct report sees your evaluation of him. If you're curious and find out that your direct report sees his performance more positively, and if you realize that you had missed some important information that would have led you to increase his rating, the system makes it difficult to change the rating that your boss has already approved. As a result, you are likely to control the performance evaluation with your direct report so that you don't learn anything that would lead you to change your mind. This is just one of many examples. As you look around your organization or the organizations you work with, look for other structures or procedures that inhibit curiosity.

Next month I'll talk about a related principle underlying our approach - saying what you're thinking, or transparency.

© 2005 Roger Schwarz

Roger Schwarz, Ph.D., is author of the international bestseller "The Skilled Facilitator: A Comprehensive Resource for Consultants, Facilitators, Managers, Trainers and Coaches" and co-author of the recent "Skilled Facilitator Fieldbook: Tips, Tools, and Tested Methods for Consultants, Facilitators, Managers, Trainers, and Coaches," both available on Amazon.com and via other quality booksellers.

You can subscribe on our site to Fundamental Change, Roger Schwarz & Associates' free, monthly ezine: http://www.schwarzassociates.com/ezine_sig nup.html In exchange for subscribing, you'll receive a link to a free .pdf copy of "Holding Risky Conversations," a chapter from our recently-published fieldbook.

We write Fundamental Change to help you create workplaces and communities that are simultaneously highly effective and that improve the quality of life.

Every month we:

* Address issues important to you as practitioners and leaders
* Share client examples and case studies
* Offer tips and tools for challenging situations
* Offer resources to help you become more effective.

---

How Much Risk Is Too Much To Take?

The ladder was braced against the railings going to the basement. I started climbing up. I had to get to the ceiling and this was my Rube... Read More

Life After Prison - The Road Home, Vanishing Dreams

The basic trauma of being locked inside of a penal institution is often overlooked. The effect this system has on a person is very hard to imagine.... Read More

To Boldly Go

For the first time in many years, Star Trek Fans will no longer be able to explore those new frontiers where no man has gone before. Thank... Read More

Ending Procrastination

Perseverance is about as important to achievement as gasoline is to driving a car. Sure, there will be times when you feel like you're spinning your wheels,... Read More

Turn your Dreaming into Doing

The first of January and September, as well as our birthdays seem to be the times in a year when we focus on the gulf between where... Read More

The Simple Secret To Lasting Motivation

This is a key to lasting motivation and beating procrastination.If you have friends who are highly driven business people, spend time with them whenever you want a... Read More

Life Doesnt Have A Sell By Date

Or does it?Best on or before?.. Nearly everything we touch nowadays has a sell by date somewhere on the packaging.When is your best before date? What's the... Read More

Daily Motivation--Be Kind to Yourself for a Change

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak... Read More

10 Easy Ways To Stop Procrastinating

It is counterproductive to concentrate on so many tasks that you cannot accomplish them and may cost you time and energy with no results. Many people seem... Read More

Dont Be Afraid To Build The Dream

Don't be afraid to build the dream - Attempting to live our life by our own design is certainly no small feat. Often it means doing without... Read More

So What Is Your Real Motivation?

We are all guilty of wanting to change our circumstances, bettering ourselves and altering our life's plans, but unfortunately a lot of us fail to see the... Read More

Motivation: The Power of Asking

Very shortly, in this paragraph, I'm going to share with you how to get just about anything you want. I usually try to keep things very simple... Read More

Motivation By Consequences

In 2004 seven badly behaved teenagers were sent to a brat camp in the USA by desperate parents whose lives had been made hell by their own... Read More

Motivation: 3 Keys to Lasting Change

David Bowie once sang, "Ch-ch-changes, tryin' to face the strain."There are times in life when trying to change can be a strain. If you are like most... Read More

Map to a Gold Mine - Could You, Would You?

If a total stranger came up to you and said: "I've got a map", what would you think?Would you be intrigued or would you think he was... Read More

Finding Motivation: What To Do When You Dont Feel Like Doing Anything

"The measure of your success usually comes down to who wins the battle that rages between the two of you. The 'you' who wants to stop, give... Read More

The Top 10 Ways to Overcome Procrastination

When a person is bored or uninterested, certain tasks and projects can seem like torture! This feeling usually leads to procrastination, and procrastination often leads to guilt.... Read More

Walk In The Light

It was a mild October night, weeks after the horrific September 11 terrorists attacks on our nation. With a mix of anticipation and apprehension, my husband, children... Read More

Are You Facing Challenges? Then Make A Different Decision

Many people don't really understand the gift they have been given in their ability to be decisive. According to the dictionary, decisiveness means 'having the power or... Read More

Ignite Your Life!

Where have you come from this past year? What have you accomplished? Don't like the answers? Wish you had better ones, more fulfilling ones? You can -... Read More

Planting Seeds of Action

Recently, I was driving past a local nursery and saw a sign that said, "Fall Is For Planting." As I drove, the idea on the sign was... Read More

Violating Boundaries: Assert Yourself and Take Charge

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." ? Benjamin FranklinAre you sick and tired of being... Read More

7 Key Steps to Unshakable Confidence

Do you remember that day? Perhaps it was your first job interview. Perhaps you were speaking to a group for the first time. Maybe you were starting... Read More

Going with the Flow

This whole idea of change is founded on a single principle: CHANGE IS ALL IN YOUR MIND.First comes a desire or need to change. Then comes an... Read More

Being Genuinely Curious

Yesterday at the dinner table, my eleven-year-old daughter asked me, "Aren't there times when you absolutely know you're right and the other person is wrong?" She had... Read More

3 Great Ways to Beat Procrastination at Work

As more tasks become automated due to advances in technology there is a general expectation, whether it is realistic or not, that productivity should increase as well.Everyone... Read More