Loving Your Step-Children

Loving your step-child can be both simple and hard. It is not enough for parents, step parents and extended family to feel a deep glow of love for the children in your circle of influence. You must convey that feeling into a message that is heard, felt and integrated by the child. Children need to be told both verbally and non-verbally how much they are valued for just being them.

As I interviewed children for my latest book Raise a Confident Child, I was struck by how many children thought their parent's love was tied to their performance, character or behavior. As Jeremy told me "When ever I score at soccer, my dad really loves me."

As I teach in parenting classes across the country, many people ask me what they can do to have stronger families and more harmony at home. My answer is in the non-verbal clues we give our children. Verbal communication is the language of information and much of that is spent in lecturing, teaching and correcting our children. No wonder they tune most of it out. Studies have shown we remember only 10-20% of what we hear.

Non-verbal communication is the language of relationships and is remembered and believed 80-90% of the time. So even if you do tell your children you love them, do you show them how precious they are to you? Do your actions demonstrate that your love and acceptance is not conditional upon their school grades, soccer goals or manners at the table?

Below are 8 simple (note I did not say easy, because any positive change in behavior is hard, but the end result is well worth the effort) ways to express your love and appreciation to and for your child.

1. Play games together. From the earliest months of your baby's life, it came natural to play peek-a-boo when changing a diaper, or airplane when trying to get food into your toddler's mouth. As children get less dependent on us, we forget to play silly games to hold their attention. Bring out the board games and turn off the TV, or play tag in the backyard. Do not allow competition or winning become more important than just being together.

2. Read with or to them at least 20 minutes daily. Children, even a few months old are comforted and soothed by the sound and rhythm of your voice as you read to them. The most important sounds a child can hear come from his parents and care-givers. When you read to children, you share such an important message for them, that you value reading and learning. Snuggling up and reading every day before bedtime or while dinner is cooking should continue, even after the children can read by themselves. We found the best way to curtail arguments while the after-dinner chores were being done, was to read aloud. Good stories provide problem solving experiences and allow children to look at events in their own lives from a different perspective. Turn off the TV and turn on the imagination as you read together.

3. Start and end each day on a positive note. Remember to use body language to indicate approval. A hug, high five, pat on the back or smile says so much without saying anything verbal .It has been said that eyes are the windows of our souls. If that is indeed true, and I think it is, make sure your eyes always say "hello, I'm glad to see you and I am glad you are in my life." Recognize when your child is helpful and cooperative. Many times we take it for granted when our children do their chores without being reminded, are pleasant to the family and write down messages. However, we only react, sometimes loudly and with negative body language, when the message wasn't given, the chore wasn't done quickly enough or the attitude is less than approachable.

4. Try complimenting them at least once a day. Think of it like a daily vitamin, they may not need the supplementation today, but then again they might. Don't let a day go by without letting them know how much they are appreciated and loved. A wonderful ritual a blended family we know does is recite to children individually each night a list of all the people in their lives that love them. They end with saying, "You are such a blessed and lucky person, look how many people love and care about you."

5. Truly listen to them. One of the most effective ways to show a child you love him or her is to pay attention when they are talking. Be empathic while accepting your child's feelings and try to maintain eye contact while they are sharing with you. Children are often deeply upset over things that seem pretty trivial to adults. When we brush off or trivialize their concerns it feels like a rejection of him personally.

6. Have family meetings. It is good to remember a family is an organization. In fact, it is the basic organization of society. This is just one of the reasons I am such a proponent of family meetings. You wouldn't think of running a successful business without a plan, goal setting meetings, team building sessions and clear missions and expectations. For more information on how to set up family meetings see www.ArtichokePress.com .

7. Develop love touches and signals. The safest touch your new baby has is you. Let him feel your cheek against his sweet little head; rub his legs and arms when you change his diaper. As children grow older, surround them with love in the form of hugs, kisses, holding hands when taking a walk or even winking at them when they look at you. Develop love signals for children as they begin to draw away from displays of affection in public. Perhaps your family gives high fives, touches thumbs, or squeezes each other's hands quickly to show you are all on the same team.

8. Keep a list of reasons you admire them. Sometimes the very things that irritate us the most with children are the strengths they will need to succeed in life. We have to recognize that a stubborn child will turn into a tenacious adult, eventually.

9. Separate the deed from the doer. Remember it is the behavior that we find unacceptable not the child. There is a big difference between the two and when we are angry, we tend to lump them together. Just because John takes money from the dresser does not make him a thief. It makes him a boy who made a bad decision and needs to learn that it is not acceptable to take money or anything else from anyone without permission.

10. Don't make it or take it personal. All families have squabbles and all children say they wish their parents and caregivers were more lenient, generous or understanding. We all try to do the best we can with what we have been given, but we are the adults and must make sure that no matter what the children have given or called us, that we give them guidance, love, discipline and respect. It is our obligation to set consistent boundaries and to assist them in growing into self-directed, contributing members of society.

So often we do what is called unconscious parenting, just getting through the day. It is not that we don't love our family; it is just that the love sometimes gets lost in the translation through poor communications or unskillful methods. I would like to challenge you to be more conscious in the words and actions that affect the children in your circle of influence. Hopefully, you will find some techniques here that will assist you in your efforts.

You do the most important work in the world.

"I was a step-parent at the young age of 24 and would have appreciated the information contained within this article in relation to my role in my step-children's lives. Thank you." -Mary M. Arthur

© Judy H. Wright

Parent educator and PBS "Ready to Learn" consultant, Judy H. Wright works with Head Start staff, child care resource centers, schools and parent organizations internationally. As a powerful and popular presenter for adults who work with children, Judy's also authored over twenty books. For more information on books, clients and testimonials or to book Judy for your next event, call 1-877-842-3431 or go to www.ArtichokePress.com. She is a founding member of Montana Speakers Network and is a regional representative for National Association for Women Writers.

---

5 Steps to Raising an Optimistic Child

I had just completed a session with 17-year old Julie who suffered from severe depression. Julie believed she was a total failure and would never be able... Read More

The Neurology of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Part One

What is Happening in the brain of children, teens, and adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?The most recent models describing what is happening in the brains of... Read More

Guide to Choosing LEGO Toys for Children

If you're looking for toys that are both fun to play with and educational for your child, LEGO toys are a very good option.LEGO toys are known... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: How to Say NO!

Q: Whenever we tell my daughter "no," she just bugs and pesters until we give in. I know it's wrong to give in, but she makes things... Read More

Why Mother?s Day is Important For Children

Mother's Day is important for children.This Mother's Day take note how your children celebrate the occasion. They will probably celebrate it in much the same way year... Read More

Fundraising For Your Preschool Or Daycare Center

Most day cares are non-profit organizations that must operate within a tight budget that covers the costs of facilities, staff and all of the equipment and materials... Read More

How Two Quarelling Kids Helped Invent the Better Behavior Wheel

When David was nine and Laura was twelve, the battles started. Prior to that, they got along great. Laura was always protective of her little brother, and... Read More

Diagnosing ADHD in Children, an Introduction

Everyone in a private practice setting who works with children or adults is going to have their own opinion on how Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - ADD... Read More

The Old and the New

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so... Read More

Single Mother Sanity Savers Pt. 1

Being a single mother is no easy task. I know. I was a single mother of two children less than six months ago, so I can say... Read More

Help! My Kids Dont Listen to Me

Does this sound familiar? Have your kids not listened to you when you wanted them to? This is one of the most common issues that parents bring... Read More

Teach Your Children About the Importance of Water

The Flow of WaterWater is essential for life on the Planet, we all know this, water holds a very special place for us for that very reason.... Read More

Positive Parenting of Teenagers: Helping Your Teen Understand What I Cant Afford It Means

Because most teens have not had the experience of getting to the end of the money before the end of the month, the words, ``I can't afford... Read More

First Year With Twins - A Father?s Point Of View

People always ask my wife and I: "How did you ever do it with two babies? I just can't imagine it". My answer is always the same?we... Read More

School Holiday Survival Guide

The school holidays are a great time for the kids, all those weeks of fun and games, no school, getting up late??but not for their parents! Summer... Read More

10 Signs That Your Teen Is Using Drugs

Did you know that over 75% of teens aged 16-17 report that obtaining marijuana is "easy or fairly easy?" Or that 25% of youths between 12 and... Read More

When Parents Disagree

Moms and dads, are there times you think that parenting would be easier if you didn't have to make family decisions? Having a partner that is not... Read More

Building Teen Character: Part-Time Employment

The teenage years are a crucial time in a child's life. They are not children anymore, but they are also not adults. During this time the choices... Read More

Twelve Tips To Connect With Teachers At Conference Time

It's that time again! Parent-teacher conferences are coming. Are you nervous? Excited? Confused? It takes teamwork to raise kids. Teachers are part of the team, but sometimes... Read More

How To Entertain A Child While Working From A Home Office

There is no doubt that the benefits of being a work-at-home parent outweigh the drawbacks. However, some days can prove to be difficult when your two year-old... Read More

Busy, Working Parents --- 22 Ways To Homeschool Your Kids

If you're a single parent or a married couple on a tight budget so that both parents have to work, you may worry about finding the time... Read More

Single Parents: Give Yourselves Credit

Single parents are not often thought of as good parents.I became acutely aware of this fact when my children were young and I was dealing with the... Read More

Top Ten Things Parents Must Know About State Academic Standards (What Your Child s/b Learning)

Public education in the United States has never been equal for all students. It appears that those school districts located in wealthy communities have a bit more... Read More

Labor of Love

The small, lilac colored hexagonal box, with Winnie the Pooh on the lid, brings to mind healthy babies and happy times. But not all babies are born... Read More

End Homework Battles

Ask parents what their biggest school year challenge is, and you'll likely hear that it is the difficulty they face in getting their kids to do homework.... Read More

How to Stop Bad Behavior Before it Starts

Coping with a child's bad behavior, perhaps more than any other aspect of parenting, can cause stress, family disfunction, and a general loss of harmony in your... Read More